That's sadly ironic.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Erm.
Well. I was quite angry the last time I posted, lol. Still am, but damn, was I enraged.
I wonder what I got on my SATs. I'm really nervous.
:/
Monday, March 14, 2011
ANGER.
I have finally reached the anger stage of moving on.
I want to break his glass chess pieces one by one and slam his glass chess board down on a table and watch it shatter into a million tiny glass pieces. Right in front of him. And smash it all. Shatter glass and have it breaking into tiny bits and pieces.
I'm no longer asking "Why didn't you love me?"
But now?
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HOW?
HOW COULD YOU?
Screw you!
SCREW YOU!
I'm not completely broken. I'm not completely gone. I still have fire inside of me. I still have something burning inside that so many people don't. I love and I hope and I believe I'll reach happiness. I still believe.
seriously though.
fuck you.
FUCK YOU!!!!!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ME?!?!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!!
I want to break his glass chess pieces one by one and slam his glass chess board down on a table and watch it shatter into a million tiny glass pieces. Right in front of him. And smash it all. Shatter glass and have it breaking into tiny bits and pieces.
I'm no longer asking "Why didn't you love me?"
But now?
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HOW?
HOW COULD YOU?
Screw you!
SCREW YOU!
I'm not completely broken. I'm not completely gone. I still have fire inside of me. I still have something burning inside that so many people don't. I love and I hope and I believe I'll reach happiness. I still believe.
seriously though.
fuck you.
FUCK YOU!!!!!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ME?!?!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
So here's the deal.
They may say I've just another girl desperate to be heard.
And I guess they're right. I guess i just want to be heard or understood or something. I guess I know things deep down that I don't admit. Really. I know a lot of things that I don't admit. I think maybe I need to come clean.
1. I knew I was going to fall in love the whole entire time. I didn't know what it would feel like or what it would do to me exactly, but I knew it was going to happen and I felt it happening and I didn't stop it. I didn't stop it. I didn't run away. I heard everybody shouting it. I KNEW that I had to go to save myself. And guess what, people? I stayed.
2. I don't know who reads my blog, really, or if anybody does. I only know one person who does, and that's my youth pastor. I hope he's reading this. Because I usually say on these blogs what I don't know how to, or forget to say, out loud.
3. I wanted to help him and I couldn't help myself. I wanted so desperately to help myself that I tried to look for another way to do it: by helping him. I think part of what attracted me to him was that I knew what it was like to feel misunderstood and alone, even in a crowded room. I think I saw in him the parts of myself that I wouldn't face. (Except the abusive manipulative and apathetic side. That's just not me.)
4. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HIM, TOO. I'M SICK OF HIM. BLEGHHHHHHH HE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY SICK. I don't need him, I don't want him, I love him, BUT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE. I think I actually just realized that I can live without him in my life right now. Like right now.
5. I have OCD and I obsess over people, not in a creepy stalker way, but in an "omg ugh I want to help them" or "I want to make them happy" way.
6. I feel PATHETIC.
7. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to freeze out that whole family: brother, sister, sister. I hate myself for thinking that.
8. I feel out of control. Who am I? Really, who?
9. It's much bigger than him, my problem. So much bigger than him. He's just the freaking catalyst.
10. I still haven't told any of the truths that I keep hidden deep down. I haven't made a full confession to a part of what I'm feeling right now. Because I can't even define it myself. I don't even know. And it pisses me off when I text people and they don't answer and I'm at the end of my rope and I just want to take something against myself but really, nobody can blame themselves, and I don't want attention out of pity.
God, help me.
Except I'm pissed at you.
Hell can't exist.
A real confession:
I don't think God is all love. If there's hell, God isn't all love.
I sometimes wonder if I'm more loving than God.
But then, at the end of the day, I think I worship a different God anyway.
I think I worship a different God than all of the rest, and I don't even think of it as worship.
Sometimes I think that God doesn't know everything himself. And that he's a big sap who wants love and yet at the same time, like me, hates perfection and knows that sin is part of what makes people people, and who doesn't want there to never be hurt, because without hurt true happiness couldn't really come, could it?
SO BASICALLY:
I'm trucked up.
I want love.
Please listen.
Please.
I won't worship a God that will send me to hell for not believing in hell.
But you all have got me frightened that I'll be sent there.
And screw that.
I'M TIRED OF RELIGION BEING ABOUT FEAR.
I'M TIRED OF MY WHOLE LIFE BEING ABOUT FEAR AND SELF-HATE.
I need to change.
i have to forgive him and forgive myself.
ugh, forgiving myself is so hard.
Am I lost?
Where can I even be found?
I still dream about it...
I still blame myself for all of these things...
And I guess they're right. I guess i just want to be heard or understood or something. I guess I know things deep down that I don't admit. Really. I know a lot of things that I don't admit. I think maybe I need to come clean.
1. I knew I was going to fall in love the whole entire time. I didn't know what it would feel like or what it would do to me exactly, but I knew it was going to happen and I felt it happening and I didn't stop it. I didn't stop it. I didn't run away. I heard everybody shouting it. I KNEW that I had to go to save myself. And guess what, people? I stayed.
2. I don't know who reads my blog, really, or if anybody does. I only know one person who does, and that's my youth pastor. I hope he's reading this. Because I usually say on these blogs what I don't know how to, or forget to say, out loud.
3. I wanted to help him and I couldn't help myself. I wanted so desperately to help myself that I tried to look for another way to do it: by helping him. I think part of what attracted me to him was that I knew what it was like to feel misunderstood and alone, even in a crowded room. I think I saw in him the parts of myself that I wouldn't face. (Except the abusive manipulative and apathetic side. That's just not me.)
4. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HIM, TOO. I'M SICK OF HIM. BLEGHHHHHHH HE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY SICK. I don't need him, I don't want him, I love him, BUT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE. I think I actually just realized that I can live without him in my life right now. Like right now.
5. I have OCD and I obsess over people, not in a creepy stalker way, but in an "omg ugh I want to help them" or "I want to make them happy" way.
6. I feel PATHETIC.
7. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to freeze out that whole family: brother, sister, sister. I hate myself for thinking that.
8. I feel out of control. Who am I? Really, who?
9. It's much bigger than him, my problem. So much bigger than him. He's just the freaking catalyst.
10. I still haven't told any of the truths that I keep hidden deep down. I haven't made a full confession to a part of what I'm feeling right now. Because I can't even define it myself. I don't even know. And it pisses me off when I text people and they don't answer and I'm at the end of my rope and I just want to take something against myself but really, nobody can blame themselves, and I don't want attention out of pity.
God, help me.
Except I'm pissed at you.
Hell can't exist.
A real confession:
I don't think God is all love. If there's hell, God isn't all love.
I sometimes wonder if I'm more loving than God.
But then, at the end of the day, I think I worship a different God anyway.
I think I worship a different God than all of the rest, and I don't even think of it as worship.
Sometimes I think that God doesn't know everything himself. And that he's a big sap who wants love and yet at the same time, like me, hates perfection and knows that sin is part of what makes people people, and who doesn't want there to never be hurt, because without hurt true happiness couldn't really come, could it?
SO BASICALLY:
I'm trucked up.
I want love.
Please listen.
Please.
I won't worship a God that will send me to hell for not believing in hell.
But you all have got me frightened that I'll be sent there.
And screw that.
I'M TIRED OF RELIGION BEING ABOUT FEAR.
I'M TIRED OF MY WHOLE LIFE BEING ABOUT FEAR AND SELF-HATE.
I need to change.
i have to forgive him and forgive myself.
ugh, forgiving myself is so hard.
Am I lost?
Where can I even be found?
I still dream about it...
I still blame myself for all of these things...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Dear Past Self
Dear Past Self,
I could tell you not to try. I could tell you not to love with your whole heart, and to turn your back, and save yourself countless nights of tears and worrying. But I won't tell you that. Because there is nothing that would justify saying that. Go out there and love. Don't hesitate. Just do it.
This is going to hurt like you have never hurt before. You will fall into a dark hole and you will experience an awful kind of heartbreak. But do it. Go out and give everything to them, and wonder why they don't give anything back, and get your heart broken, and experience pain and loss in ways you didn't know you could. As I sit here writing this letter to you, my past self, I can tell you that it still hurts. That i have not yet reached the end of it all. That anybody in their right mind would rather go back and change what they've done. But I don't wish that. And truthfully, even if I had the choice to go back, I think I'd still do the same things. And I think, maybe, I'm the one in the right mind.
So you may think it cannot hurt that much, if I would go through it all again. You're wrong. You're very wrong; it hurt like hell. The pain was quite unbearable. But yet, although it sounds corny, love seems to have won out. Love stands out to me, and matters most to me, rising like a waving flag above a mess of destruction. You're wrong about a lot of things. I write to you as if you are fifteen years old, and have not yet taken the turn in your life that will lead you to this. And let me tell you; you're going to learn a lot. You're going to realize that even in the wisdom you have now, you have so much that you do not know.
I won't wish you luck, I know where you end up. I'm still fighting today; it's not over. I know that you end up in pain as of now, and that you end up heartbroken. But listen. One day, I'll write another letter to the person I am now. And like this letter, i will have learned so much more than I knew at the time. I know this fight will not be easy for you. I know that you will kick and scream and cry. But you will end up alive, and with hope. You will find yourself amazed at how much you can take. You will find yourself surprised very much, and will have sudden realizations that help you.
And please. Please love yourself. I know that you will not. I know you won't. I know that you need help on that. That still, I need help on that. But I can tell you now, looking back, I love the person I was. I guess it's just harder loving myself now. But I've gotta get through that. Why stop fighting now? Even in the bleakest of days, why stop trying? Why stop loving?
I love you, you fifteen year old naive girl with a heart that aches for everyone.
I love you. I have hope that we're, you're, I'm... gonna end up happy.
I could tell you not to try. I could tell you not to love with your whole heart, and to turn your back, and save yourself countless nights of tears and worrying. But I won't tell you that. Because there is nothing that would justify saying that. Go out there and love. Don't hesitate. Just do it.
This is going to hurt like you have never hurt before. You will fall into a dark hole and you will experience an awful kind of heartbreak. But do it. Go out and give everything to them, and wonder why they don't give anything back, and get your heart broken, and experience pain and loss in ways you didn't know you could. As I sit here writing this letter to you, my past self, I can tell you that it still hurts. That i have not yet reached the end of it all. That anybody in their right mind would rather go back and change what they've done. But I don't wish that. And truthfully, even if I had the choice to go back, I think I'd still do the same things. And I think, maybe, I'm the one in the right mind.
So you may think it cannot hurt that much, if I would go through it all again. You're wrong. You're very wrong; it hurt like hell. The pain was quite unbearable. But yet, although it sounds corny, love seems to have won out. Love stands out to me, and matters most to me, rising like a waving flag above a mess of destruction. You're wrong about a lot of things. I write to you as if you are fifteen years old, and have not yet taken the turn in your life that will lead you to this. And let me tell you; you're going to learn a lot. You're going to realize that even in the wisdom you have now, you have so much that you do not know.
I won't wish you luck, I know where you end up. I'm still fighting today; it's not over. I know that you end up in pain as of now, and that you end up heartbroken. But listen. One day, I'll write another letter to the person I am now. And like this letter, i will have learned so much more than I knew at the time. I know this fight will not be easy for you. I know that you will kick and scream and cry. But you will end up alive, and with hope. You will find yourself amazed at how much you can take. You will find yourself surprised very much, and will have sudden realizations that help you.
And please. Please love yourself. I know that you will not. I know you won't. I know that you need help on that. That still, I need help on that. But I can tell you now, looking back, I love the person I was. I guess it's just harder loving myself now. But I've gotta get through that. Why stop fighting now? Even in the bleakest of days, why stop trying? Why stop loving?
I love you, you fifteen year old naive girl with a heart that aches for everyone.
I love you. I have hope that we're, you're, I'm... gonna end up happy.
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