I saw him two days ago.
He was alive.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I swear.
If my sister threatens to kill herself one more time, I'm going to lose it.
Will she ever not be so crazy? Or is that too much to ask?
Nevermind, I'm done complaining.
My uncle died.
Will she ever not be so crazy? Or is that too much to ask?
Nevermind, I'm done complaining.
My uncle died.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
There are pretty girls everywhere.
And then I look at myself.
Is it any wonder why I want to slit my wrists sometimes?
Is it any wonder why I want to slit my wrists sometimes?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Defense mechanisms.
A lot of people have that defense mechanism where they don't feel certain things because if they did they would probably die or something. I used to think I didn't have that at all because I didn't choose to. Then I realized psychology and the unconcious mind are very complex and that even if I don't choose that defense mechanism, it still exists for me too.
Lately I've been beginning to realize that I'm starting to not feel as much. I don't mean less empathy, but I mean less sadness and pain. I just kind of push thoughts away and run from them. If something comes up in my mind I just push it out and don't deal with it. I'm starting to have second thoughts about my mission trip coming up as well. I feel like it's either going to emotionally break me in half, or that I'm going to unconciously have a wall built and be able to feel NOTHING the whole time.
A large part of me is deathly afraid of more emotional turmoil. It just seems that whenever I begin to get tearful, I jerk back into my little cage that is supposed to shut out emotions. I understand that certain people have this defense mechanism for a reason, and I've met those people. Sometimtimes things happen that shut something off inside of us, or break some part of the human spirit. It's very possible to break someone. After all, we're all fragile.
Sometimes my past feelings crash on me like a fierce wave that only rises to drown me in its downfall. Sometimes people seem to be like that for me as well.
I did not use to understand, am I am furiously angry that I now do understand, what it's like to want to shut out emotional stimuli. I used to question how anyone could find comfort with walls up around them, but now I seem to understand that. However, I am faced with a choice: take that easy route, or do everything I can to continue to feel.
When someone likes me stops feeling, or when I choose to shut out all feeling, the world is a bit more hopeless, and I have failed.
Now I don't want to do that.
But there is a part of me that believes the emotional intensity of the trip coming up will either
A. break me apart and cause me to feel the harshest pain ever, or
B. start to hurt me until I unconciously put up a guard that leaves me numb and unfeeling and sends me to a dusty corner somewhere in Vermont with something sharp so I can try to find meaning and feeling in what pumps through my veins: messy crimson blood.
I don't want that to happen. I really really don't.
And no, I'm not deep in that rabbithole habit again. But I suppose when you first start it, ever, it can always come back to you and will remain a struggle in some way.
And you can always break down and make the mistake of doing it again, but it doesn't mean that the whole pattern needs to start again.
I'm teetering on a thin line between numbness and intense pain, and I'm trying to jump over to that far away plateau of... being happy.
I'm gonna need a goddamn teleportation device for this one.
Lately I've been beginning to realize that I'm starting to not feel as much. I don't mean less empathy, but I mean less sadness and pain. I just kind of push thoughts away and run from them. If something comes up in my mind I just push it out and don't deal with it. I'm starting to have second thoughts about my mission trip coming up as well. I feel like it's either going to emotionally break me in half, or that I'm going to unconciously have a wall built and be able to feel NOTHING the whole time.
A large part of me is deathly afraid of more emotional turmoil. It just seems that whenever I begin to get tearful, I jerk back into my little cage that is supposed to shut out emotions. I understand that certain people have this defense mechanism for a reason, and I've met those people. Sometimtimes things happen that shut something off inside of us, or break some part of the human spirit. It's very possible to break someone. After all, we're all fragile.
Sometimes my past feelings crash on me like a fierce wave that only rises to drown me in its downfall. Sometimes people seem to be like that for me as well.
I did not use to understand, am I am furiously angry that I now do understand, what it's like to want to shut out emotional stimuli. I used to question how anyone could find comfort with walls up around them, but now I seem to understand that. However, I am faced with a choice: take that easy route, or do everything I can to continue to feel.
When someone likes me stops feeling, or when I choose to shut out all feeling, the world is a bit more hopeless, and I have failed.
Now I don't want to do that.
But there is a part of me that believes the emotional intensity of the trip coming up will either
A. break me apart and cause me to feel the harshest pain ever, or
B. start to hurt me until I unconciously put up a guard that leaves me numb and unfeeling and sends me to a dusty corner somewhere in Vermont with something sharp so I can try to find meaning and feeling in what pumps through my veins: messy crimson blood.
I don't want that to happen. I really really don't.
And no, I'm not deep in that rabbithole habit again. But I suppose when you first start it, ever, it can always come back to you and will remain a struggle in some way.
And you can always break down and make the mistake of doing it again, but it doesn't mean that the whole pattern needs to start again.
I'm teetering on a thin line between numbness and intense pain, and I'm trying to jump over to that far away plateau of... being happy.
I'm gonna need a goddamn teleportation device for this one.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Hmm.
Well, I'm some kind of broken.
I feel untouched. My skin aches to be touched and hugged and kissed and held.
Forever alone.
I feel untouched. My skin aches to be touched and hugged and kissed and held.
Forever alone.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Interesting.
So on Monday I found out that Selena Gomez was gonna be at the mall that day. I got there at 5:30 and she was supposed to come at 6. This was all in the PM. I went inside and decided that I wasn't about to squeeze into a huge crowd. Instead, I went around to the side of the mall to the back entrance and there I found a police officer. I started talking to him and then I was like "Listen, we both know she's coming through that door."
He let me stay. I got a picture of her coming and going and had the shortest transaction of words with her ever.
I said: "Hey there, how ya doin"
She said "Thanks very much for having me here."
The two sentences don't really mesh but she was in a rush.
After that some boy asked for my number.
End of day.
It was weird.
And today I went to the pool.
Yay.
Boo.
Forever alone.
He let me stay. I got a picture of her coming and going and had the shortest transaction of words with her ever.
I said: "Hey there, how ya doin"
She said "Thanks very much for having me here."
The two sentences don't really mesh but she was in a rush.
After that some boy asked for my number.
End of day.
It was weird.
And today I went to the pool.
Yay.
Boo.
Forever alone.
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