Sick and tired.

Sick sick sick sick sick. Tired tired tired tired tired tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And newsflash: I never really liked that boy Nick anyway. Thing is, if you ask any of my friends they’ll tell you that I’m always liking guys. But the truth is, if you ask me, that I don’t really like them, I’m just looking for someone to like. Because I don’t have anyone that I really like that way. See, it’s hard to go to school and see all the happy couples and everything when you’re alone, but it’s not just that. It’s the fact that I don’t even know anybody who I even would want to go out with. At least if I had someone I really liked, I wouldn’t feel so alone. But I don’t, really. Here’s a quick list of people I’ve liked. I bet that anybody who knows me is probably squirming in their seats right now, more than ready to laugh at what I’m about to say, but it’s not even that laughable. I don’t have this huge list of people I really liked, just a list of people I attempted to like to give myself some kind of distraction from other things.

Okay, let’s start with Kindergarten. Just because. I had this fake little boyfriend thing going on in kindergarten. Apparently it was adorable, but I don’t know.

Then in third grade I had a stupid little crush on this boy.

Fourth grade I had a crush on someone else. Little kid crush, though. I didn’t really like him the way you need to to consider it an honest-to-God crush.

Fifth grade I liked that boy again, but it wasn’t even like, real.

Sixth grade I had a couple stupid nonexistent crushes. I was basically just going from boy to boy; I was a little girl! Then I started liking this one boy at the end of the year who I liked for a while. Ehh, sixth grade wasn’t too good. But it was the year I started to change for the better.

Seventh-Summer before ninth grade: This kid named Brian. Everyone knows it, why even bother giving him a fake name? Yeah, I don’t know why. I liked him from the end of sixth grade to right before ninth, it was weird.

Ninth Grade – Nobody.

Summer – Met this kid and thought I liked him for about two weeks, then realized I didn’t.

Tenth Grade – “Liked” different guys. Not really, though.

Currently – Nobody.

I really just wrote this list for me, because I’ve been agitated about this for a while now. It’s really annoying. And right now I’m sick and can’t go home. This days sucks.

You know what else I hate? More than a lot else?

I hate when you start to forget. When you forget that you're having problems. But then you remember, and there's a pang in y our heart and the pain starts again. I hate that. Just when you start smiling and having a good time, you realize, oh... there's something awful happening. I forgot.

I hate that.

I have a lot of pet peeves, and I guess I’ve decided to write about that right now because I just experienced one of them. See, I’m in Creative Writing right now, and one of my pet peeves is when she gives us a story/journal starter, and it’s stupid. Like today: I’ve given myself a name I can’t pronounce.Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Yeah, I know that there are a lot of things you can do, but I don’t feel like going anywhere with that, thanks.So instead I’m going to list my pet peeves, just because I feel like it.

1. I hate sleeping in a bed that hasn’t been made. It bothers me to no end. Unless I’ve stayed in my pajamas all day; in that case, I’m fine with it being unmade.
2. Staying in my pajamas all day. I hate that.
3. Having a messy room in the morning and coming home after school to find it still messy. I don’t know why, but I always expect it to go through some sort of transformation when I’m gone.
4. When my brother doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s so easy to do.
5. When people post about how their bf is going to regret breaking up with them because they’re “sexy, and hey everyone, now I’m single, he made such a mistake, come show me the love I deserve, and be my baby” on their FB wall. I really don’t think the boy is going to regret breaking up with you more than he’s going to count his blessings that he got out of the relationship when he did.
6. Itches I can’t scratch. Damn, I hate that.
7. When I’m writing something and I’m on a roll and someone tells me to stop. No.
8. I hate odd numbers. I hate towels. I hate throwing up. I hate mushrooms. I hate feet.
9. I hate the fact that I have OCD instead of something awesomely cool like synesthesia, which means “crossing over of senses”, which basically means that you can see sounds. Like, if I closed a door, you would see swirls of red, or if I played a rock song, you would see a bunch of different colors for every different note, which is so cool! You can learn instruments better with it, too. There are other types, also. They’re just, like, all pretty freaking cool basically.
10. I hate when… ugh I just hate a lot of things. Shit. I need to end this now. My teacher’s staring at me. I hate that.

Wow. I'm so angry.

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is run away. I look out the window and the only thing I can think of is everything that is out there, and everything I haven’t seen or experienced. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing keep me here, drowning in my own freaking agitation. I woke up to something so pathetic, so stupid, and I’m simply tired of it all. I don’t know if anybody who knows me reads this blog, but if they do, here’s a dare for them: freaking prove to me that maybe there is something good about this place. Because I don’t see it. I want to leave, pack up all my stuff, run, take a train, hop on a plane, get a cab, I just want to leave and never come back. With the exception of my family and a few close friends, I wouldn’t miss much. I don’t think I would at all, really. There’s so much more than this. There’s so much more than these pathetic people who are turning into worthless people who will turn into just another person who does nothing with their lives. Nobody understands, I don’t think. I’ve been dreaming about leaving here forever. What do I have? Memories of happy times, but now, I mean, what do I have now? I go through the halls at school and go past the pool, the pool where I swam for years, and I think of earlier, simpler days. Except not even those days were very simple, because I was going through a lot of shit then, too.

I think I’m just really good at dealing with things. I think I’m great at not freaking out, not crying my eyes out, not slamming things and breaking things when that would be the normal response. It takes willpower not to scream and hit and kick and run out the door and just not come back. Sometimes it’s hard to even breathe in my house. Sometimes it’s hard to just do my homework and not sit there and listen to everything, not to strain to hear raised voices downstairs. I’m done with it! My goodness, there’s only so much somebody can take before they completely snap. Can’t someone just effing notice what the hell is wrong? I’m not depressed, I don’t want to die, I don’t hurt myself and could never imagine doing it, I don’t have bad grades, I don’t have no friends, I don’t have drinking, smoking, or drug habits, I’m not a slut, I’m not insecure. But I’m just… not okay with what is going on. I’m determined. I’m freaking angry. I’m angry, that’s what I am! I’m so mad at everything that’s happened! I’m mad at people for making mistakes that they could have avoided, I’m mad at people for arguing when they should just learn to get along! I’m angry at the people in my school for disappointing me, for conforming to what society has labeled them to be! I’m pissed off that nobody has any care anymore in this world! All they care about is themselves! Who has what clothes, who doesn’t, who got drunk, who’s invited to what party. Excuse my language, seriously, but grow the fuck up! Grow up! Stop fighting, stop arguing, get along! Don’t make stupid mistakes! I’m so angry. I don’t deserve to be going through what I’m going through, I really don’t. I’m being held down, like a broken dam, and like, there’s only so much time I can hold back until everything in me bursts through and explodes and rushes toward everyone and everything, and I freak out.

My parents, they tell me not to worry… it doesn’t affect me. Bullshit, it doesn’t effect me. You try trying to write about invertebrates while your background noise is everything you never want to hear people saying. Ha, funny how sometimes people blame themselves about one thing when it’s not their fault, and then they don’t even notice that maybe they’re doing something else that actually is their fault. Maybe they’re doing what they thought they were doing before. It’s like a movie set, like you walk on while they’re filming and they don’t even see you there, you’re just right behind the camera, watching a scene from a movie called Suburban Meltdown. I want to rewrite the script.

I’m writing this in school right now, in creative writing. I had to get some of this anger out. But I still have an enormous amount of rage just bubbling inside me, waiting to explode. I’m in a rut. I don’t even know which way to turn right now. I don’t know where to go, what to do, who to go to , what to say. I’m so completely trapped, and oh my goodness, I am SUFFOCATING. My gosh, I don’t even have something to think about to get my mind off of things right now. And I feel so alone. Everybody has someone, it seems. A best friend, a boyfriend, a parent who would do anything for them. I feel so alone.

Like, I don’t even like any boys, really, I don’t even know anybody who I could even date or anything. Whenever I see two people holding hands or anything, or hugging, or giggling, or flirting, I get so angry and jealous. I don’t even like anyone, I don’t even have anybody to think about dating! I just feel so alone. I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t. Sorry again for the language, but fuck this. I’m so upset.

Love Quadrilateral

I am in the middle of like… a love quadrilateral or something. Except I’m not in love, I just have a puppy love crush on this boy. Okay, let me explain this. This boy, who we’ll call Nick, likes this girl who is a bitch, and we’ll call her Emma. Now Emma flirts shamelessly with Nick, and leads him on, even though she doesn’t like him. Which is so rude. He’s such a nice guy and she’s basically just setting him up to be heartbroken. Well a couple people, myself included, really dislike Emma. One girl in particular who dislikes her, we’ll call her Amanda, may have a crush on Nick, who used to have a crush on her but now has a crush on Emma, or is just flirting with Emma to make her classless skank self happy. And me? I have a crush on Nick, hate Emma, and am slowly becoming friends with Amanda. And I don’t even know what to do. I shouldn’t even like Nick, I don’t know why I like him! But recently my friend, who we’ll call Lily, told me that she doesn’t think Nick likes Emma, but that Nick is too nice to reject her, and that Emma probably just goes to Nick to feel better about herself and wanted because she knows that Nick will flirt back. It’s all so complicated. And I just want to slap Emma, slap that dumb smile off of her face, and her obnoxious giggle right out of her disgusting, scum of the earth self. She can just go, too. I just want to slap all of her out of my life.

I am so angry.

I am so angry that I don't even know what to do with myself. I really don't even know how someone could be so angry towards a person... I hate her. She's a bitch, she's awful, and she's flirting shamelessly with every boy she passes. But she especially flirts with one sweet boy who doesn't even realize that she's just leading him on! Why the hell is she such a bitch?!!!!?!!! Some people just aren't good people! And she's one of them! I can't stand her. I just want to slap her. I feel bad for the boy! Ugh..... this sucks so freaking much.

I need a change.

I don’t think that anybody realizes how hard it is to do the announcements in the morning when all you want to do is say, “Hey, this isn’t really a good morning, and you probably don’t even want to stand up right now, so let’s just skip the announcements, and as a matter of fact, why don’t we just go home right now because who wants to be here anyway?” The answer is nobody. Nobody wants to be at school, bored to tears, or disgusted by all the skanks in the hallway. Just before I came into this classroom, I overheard this group of girls gushing about some guy they all wanted to hook up with. Pfft. Like those guys would even care about them anyway. Do girls seriously think that those guys they get with care about them at all? 98% of the time, the guy won’t really care for you. He just wants you for his own selfish desires. All of the faces that I pass in the halls at school, all of the stories going by me, I feel as if they are so different than my own. Like I’m a poem in a book of insults. Or like I’m a best-selling book in the middle of the bargain rack at Borders. I love to read. It’s like escaping into a whole different world. A world that is often more exciting than my own, a world of adventure, a world of fame and fortune and boys and road trips and summers that change lives, summers full of crazy experiences and young love. I really just want something big to happen, some huge change in my life that will take me by a wonderful surprise. I want excitement, and I want to be in love. I want, I want, I want. I want to have this… I don’t just want to want this forever. I can’t. I need a change in my life, I really need one.