Chaos.

I want to do something crazy. I want chaos. I want to go running through the streets screaming in exhilaration. I want to go get the tattoo I've wanted for a while now RIGHT NOW and show it off to the world. I want to get my ears pierced, I want to get a killer tan, I want to dress up like I'm some runway model, I want to flirt with boys, I want to shake up this world, I want to climb a mountain in bare feet, I want to jump out of a plane and scream my way down until my parachute opens and everything around me is bigger than I thought because as humans we forget, we forget how big this world is.
Some idiots thought they could make the world tangible. Like we can mold it to exactly how we want it. No. We can't.
I want to scream and dance. Stand on a tall building rooftop and scream. If it were up to me, I'd take all the depressed people and we'd all party. And nobody would hide their scars or anything.
I'm rambling.
I just want chaos.
I just want to release and explode the pure exhilaration inside of my bones.
I want to shake out all of the energy that is surging through me; I want to scream and run and fly, and I feel like running up a mountain. I want a rush. I want to feel on the edge of life; I want to feel alive. Really truly alive.

It went like this.

My mom talked to me about things last night. She said a lot of things, but mostly what I said was:
"You don't understand."
And then I said "I love him."
and she goes...
"Oh. I didn't know."
and she looked sad. she looked hurt. she said, "you're in love with him?"
I said "It doesn't matter what love you're talking about. Just all kinds of love. I'm not just in love with him, it's not just like that. I just love him."
I don't know if she knew what to say to that.
And now it looks like I have a B in my class.
and I feel like a failure.
and there's also something nagging in me that says "You aren't as smart as him."
and it's not fair. it's just not fair.

Sometimes stupidity wins.

Well. Did I give in? Maybe you could say that.
Do I regret it? I think.
How do I feel? Crazy and insane.
What do I want? Someone to understand. Someone to tell me that I'm not crazy, and mean it. Someone to tell me that i'm not crazy without me having to tell them to.