2 days. Ugh, I hate counting things.

2 days. Mrah. Well. Well, anyway, I guess. I don't know. I don't know. I'm bitterly alone. Nobody notices a damn thing anymore. This could harden me if I let it. LOL wait I don't even think I can be hardened. I hope not. I am so forgotten. I can feel myself being forgotten. Okay, I guess instead of doing something stupid, I'll write. Like, maybe I'll just replace it with writing in this blog type deal. Who knows, I'm stupid.

My SAT scores came out today. I took one look at them and was ready to EJFIHDUF. Not good enough. Not good enough for NYU. I don't care if they're good, I don't care. They're not good enough for me. I can't stand myself. I'm feeling out of touch with reality again, and I'm having that feeling of disconnect from the world. Sometimes I feel like, out of touch, almost as if I'm watching myself from somewhere else. Sometimes I actually feel like I need a reminder that I'm living and breathing and that I can still do something, anything at all. But it's been two days. Which is longer than I've went in a while WOWWWW

lol what an accomplishment

I love my mother. I love my dad. Even though he's HGUAHUFHDSU. yeah, even though he's that.

at the moment my friend is asking me for advice. and another friend cried today and i tried to help and still, still, I find myself listening and helping and my goodness, where the hell is everyone now? I'm up and alone and wondering and thinking and can't function for anything, and it's just ridiculous. Does anyone care genuinely besides a select few? Besides the people who need to care? I resent myself for how I feel for certain people. Crap, that's probably what triggered everything, my absolute lack of control over anything, and how helpless I feel. I felt like I couldn't do anything. Well there was one thing I could do, right? Pfft, it doesn't matter. But it does. But does it really, Erin, nobody's asking after you at school, nobody's pointing anything out, nobody's going to see YOU and sharing YOUR pain and maybe there isn't even anyone I'll ever meet on the planet who will hold me and who will cry FOR ME even when they don't KNOW me very well.

I'm a SAINT. I'm SOMETHING. I am not of this world. I do not belong here. I am obviously not of the same species or breed or whatever that the people around me are. I relate more to dogs than people. I just want to go around giving people kisses and cuddling them when they cry. I'm a royal mess. I just want to cry right now. I want to stop the other stuff. And I can, and will, but it can't all fade. If it all fades, I will freak out. I think I'm so used to having everyone walk out of my life and losing them and having them fade away, that I just want something that won't leave. Just one thing that will not leave me, that will stay with me, that is here in front of me. God, yeah. I know. God's always there. God is the one who blessed me with a heart for PEOPLE. I'm sick of them just fading out of my life and forgetting me and leaving me to pick up the memories and pieces. Gosh, just one thing I can keep, anything at all. Even an angry red mark that I can look at so I can just know it's not leaving me. I always do that. I always look. I want to make sure it's all still there. I don't want to be making everything up. I don't want to fall into another relationship with anyone and have a connection and see them at an awful place and feel like I've made a mark and have them leave and sit there wondering if I made the whole damn thing up. I want proof. I want a sign. I want a scar I can see. I want something that screams "This happened. This HURT, and you struggled through it, and you were strong, still, because you fought. And this reminder of your strength, of your determination, isn't going to leave you like everything else."

Oh my. This is everything I want to say to someone in person.

But for someone who talks so much, and shares wisdom and knowledge about the world, I wonder how many times I let the core of me really speak.

I just want to speak out the truth.

Okay, so I don't know if this is going to work.

But trying can't hurt.

That's sadly ironic.

Quitting Cold Turkey

Attempt #1.

Let's see how this goes, shall we?

Erm.

Well. I was quite angry the last time I posted, lol. Still am, but damn, was I enraged.

I wonder what I got on my SATs. I'm really nervous.

:/

ANGER.

I have finally reached the anger stage of moving on.
I want to break his glass chess pieces one by one and slam his glass chess board down on a table and watch it shatter into a million tiny glass pieces. Right in front of him. And smash it all. Shatter glass and have it breaking into tiny bits and pieces.
I'm no longer asking "Why didn't you love me?"
But now?
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HOW?
HOW COULD YOU?

Screw you!
SCREW YOU!
I'm not completely broken. I'm not completely gone. I still have fire inside of me. I still have something burning inside that so many people don't. I love and I hope and I believe I'll reach happiness. I still believe.

seriously though.

fuck you.
FUCK YOU!!!!!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ME?!?!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!!

So here's the deal.

They may say I've just another girl desperate to be heard.
And I guess they're right. I guess i just want to be heard or understood or something. I guess I know things deep down that I don't admit. Really. I know a lot of things that I don't admit. I think maybe I need to come clean.

1. I knew I was going to fall in love the whole entire time. I didn't know what it would feel like or what it would do to me exactly, but I knew it was going to happen and I felt it happening and I didn't stop it. I didn't stop it. I didn't run away. I heard everybody shouting it. I KNEW that I had to go to save myself. And guess what, people? I stayed.
2. I don't know who reads my blog, really, or if anybody does. I only know one person who does, and that's my youth pastor. I hope he's reading this. Because I usually say on these blogs what I don't know how to, or forget to say, out loud.
3. I wanted to help him and I couldn't help myself. I wanted so desperately to help myself that I tried to look for another way to do it: by helping him. I think part of what attracted me to him was that I knew what it was like to feel misunderstood and alone, even in a crowded room. I think I saw in him the parts of myself that I wouldn't face. (Except the abusive manipulative and apathetic side. That's just not me.)
4. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HIM, TOO. I'M SICK OF HIM. BLEGHHHHHHH HE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY SICK. I don't need him, I don't want him, I love him, BUT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE. I think I actually just realized that I can live without him in my life right now. Like right now.
5. I have OCD and I obsess over people, not in a creepy stalker way, but in an "omg ugh I want to help them" or "I want to make them happy" way.
6. I feel PATHETIC.
7. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to freeze out that whole family: brother, sister, sister. I hate myself for thinking that.
8. I feel out of control. Who am I? Really, who?
9. It's much bigger than him, my problem. So much bigger than him. He's just the freaking catalyst.
10. I still haven't told any of the truths that I keep hidden deep down. I haven't made a full confession to a part of what I'm feeling right now. Because I can't even define it myself. I don't even know. And it pisses me off when I text people and they don't answer and I'm at the end of my rope and I just want to take something against myself but really, nobody can blame themselves, and I don't want attention out of pity.

God, help me.
Except I'm pissed at you.
Hell can't exist.


A real confession:
I don't think God is all love. If there's hell, God isn't all love.
I sometimes wonder if I'm more loving than God.
But then, at the end of the day, I think I worship a different God anyway.
I think I worship a different God than all of the rest, and I don't even think of it as worship.
Sometimes I think that God doesn't know everything himself. And that he's a big sap who wants love and yet at the same time, like me, hates perfection and knows that sin is part of what makes people people, and who doesn't want there to never be hurt, because without hurt true happiness couldn't really come, could it?

SO BASICALLY:
I'm trucked up.
I want love.
Please listen.
Please.
I won't worship a God that will send me to hell for not believing in hell.
But you all have got me frightened that I'll be sent there.
And screw that.
I'M TIRED OF RELIGION BEING ABOUT FEAR.

I'M TIRED OF MY WHOLE LIFE BEING ABOUT FEAR AND SELF-HATE.
I need to change.
i have to forgive him and forgive myself.
ugh, forgiving myself is so hard.

Am I lost?
Where can I even be found?
I still dream about it...
I still blame myself for all of these things...

FINALLY.

I AM FINALLY MOVING ON AND GETTING OVER HIM.

FINALLY!!!!!!