They may say I've just another girl desperate to be heard.
And I guess they're right. I guess i just want to be heard or understood or something. I guess I know things deep down that I don't admit. Really. I know a lot of things that I don't admit. I think maybe I need to come clean.
1. I knew I was going to fall in love the whole entire time. I didn't know what it would feel like or what it would do to me exactly, but I knew it was going to happen and I felt it happening and I didn't stop it. I didn't stop it. I didn't run away. I heard everybody shouting it. I KNEW that I had to go to save myself. And guess what, people? I stayed.
2. I don't know who reads my blog, really, or if anybody does. I only know one person who does, and that's my youth pastor. I hope he's reading this. Because I usually say on these blogs what I don't know how to, or forget to say, out loud.
3. I wanted to help him and I couldn't help myself. I wanted so desperately to help myself that I tried to look for another way to do it: by helping him. I think part of what attracted me to him was that I knew what it was like to feel misunderstood and alone, even in a crowded room. I think I saw in him the parts of myself that I wouldn't face. (Except the abusive manipulative and apathetic side. That's just not me.)
4. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HIM, TOO. I'M SICK OF HIM. BLEGHHHHHHH HE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY SICK. I don't need him, I don't want him, I love him, BUT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE. I think I actually just realized that I can live without him in my life right now. Like right now.
5. I have OCD and I obsess over people, not in a creepy stalker way, but in an "omg ugh I want to help them" or "I want to make them happy" way.
6. I feel PATHETIC.
7. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to freeze out that whole family: brother, sister, sister. I hate myself for thinking that.
8. I feel out of control. Who am I? Really, who?
9. It's much bigger than him, my problem. So much bigger than him. He's just the freaking catalyst.
10. I still haven't told any of the truths that I keep hidden deep down. I haven't made a full confession to a part of what I'm feeling right now. Because I can't even define it myself. I don't even know. And it pisses me off when I text people and they don't answer and I'm at the end of my rope and I just want to take something against myself but really, nobody can blame themselves, and I don't want attention out of pity.
God, help me.
Except I'm pissed at you.
Hell can't exist.
A real confession:
I don't think God is all love. If there's hell, God isn't all love.
I sometimes wonder if I'm more loving than God.
But then, at the end of the day, I think I worship a different God anyway.
I think I worship a different God than all of the rest, and I don't even think of it as worship.
Sometimes I think that God doesn't know everything himself. And that he's a big sap who wants love and yet at the same time, like me, hates perfection and knows that sin is part of what makes people people, and who doesn't want there to never be hurt, because without hurt true happiness couldn't really come, could it?
SO BASICALLY:
I'm trucked up.
I want love.
Please listen.
Please.
I won't worship a God that will send me to hell for not believing in hell.
But you all have got me frightened that I'll be sent there.
And screw that.
I'M TIRED OF RELIGION BEING ABOUT FEAR.
I'M TIRED OF MY WHOLE LIFE BEING ABOUT FEAR AND SELF-HATE.
I need to change.
i have to forgive him and forgive myself.
ugh, forgiving myself is so hard.
Am I lost?
Where can I even be found?
I still dream about it...
I still blame myself for all of these things...
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