Worried, again.

Me and my mom went to a midnight move last night to see Eclipse. We got back at 3.
I woke up and she was gone, saying she had gone to a couple stores and would be back soon. She left so early. How could she get up that early after last night? She probably got in a fight with my dad. I bet that's it.
I feel sick. I don't know if it's from all the candy I ate in the middle of the night last night, or if it's because I'm so worried about my mom right now, or if it's because of everything that's been happening in the past week, and the hopelessness of it all. I'm aware that I shouldn't be so worried about my mom, that it's not "normal" to feel such a sense of fear over something like this, but it's been instilled in me through past experiences, and I don't know how to just not worry.
Oh, dear Lord. I just got a 12 paragraph email that will make my brain hurt a little bit...
ihfsih. I guess I'll answer it.

UGHHAIHDIHNSISFNHSD

UGH I'M SO MAD AT HIM WHY IS HE SO STUPID HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT
JERKFACE JERKFACE JERKFACE JERKFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great birthday.

I had an amazing 16th birthday. I really did. And I didn't let things bother me when they could have. Not counting for like two hours last night.
See, the thing is, it doesn't hurt so bad all the time. It comes in segments. Like randomly, it will hurt. Like hell. I guess... well, I don't guess anything. LOL no I actually guess everything which I shouldn't.
What a jerk, though, seriously. Sob story or not. We all have a sob story. Well let me tell you what I've learned: that's no excuse. And at first you may find that unfair. But then you learn by yourself that it's no excuse, because it's not.
Of course, I'll empathize with ya! hahahahaha
Ha, in the past week alone 3 different people cried to me.
3. different. people.
And I mended a friendship for two people.
And I stayed up till 3 listening to a friend talk.
I've been called Superwoman. A hero. The female knight in shining armor, riding in to save the day. And yet God just gives me more strength every day, I don't even understand it, I'm amazed. It just keeps getting harder, these situations, but it's weird, because while they just keep getting harder, God keeps making me stronger, and... weird enough... in a way... in a weird way I'm more... like kind of happy. Kind of.
I feel weird saying that i'm getting happier as a person through all of this.
But it's opening my eyes. I get happy so easily.
Seriously, my gosh, I'll be bawling my eyes out.
But then just take me outside and I'll look at the sky and all of a sudden I'm dancing around, singing and I'm cheering everyone up. It's just something I do. I cheer people up, I empathize, ahh, it's just something I do. Last night one of my friends told me I was the most caring person they've ever met in their whole entire life.
Like, what do I say to that? I agree, but I don't want to seem like I'm full of myself.
Which is ironic, because I'm very unselfish.
It aches a bit today. Yet like, I can't bring myself not to laugh and smile. And not to make others laugh and smile.
Thank God for resilience. Thank God for my strength

It HURTS.

This pain HURTS.
I want it GONE!!!!!!

This pain is heart-wrenching and stabbing and twisting and turning and breaking and crushing and destroying and awful and terrible and scary and hurtful and deadly and murderous. I didn't think the pain would be quite so... consuming. So monstrous. I don't want to be going through this. I don't. I'm hurt. To the very core, I'm hurt.
I want to get angry at him. I want to stare him down and yell in his face and ask him why it can't just work out. And why does it seem that I'm such a hard person to love?
I'm difficult, I know. I'm really picky over everything, even stupid stuff. Well, especially stupid stuff. I argue a lot about the most trivial things and I say things that I shouldn't, and I can be really weird, and I can't stand it when someone makes a mess of my stuff, and I'm really hard on myself and I put a lot of pressure on people to not make stupid mistakes. And I can never just shut up. And I always need music, and I'm constantly singing, and I'm frustrating, I'm frustrating because I'm so indecisive and can never just make up my mind, and I'm always caught between saying my feelings and keeping them in.
But I thought that it would be one of those things where like... people love you anyways. Where people look at your flaws and your imperfections and they fall in love with them, they accept them, they laugh at them and welcome them.
But it's not that. People don't just love me like I need to be loved. I'm so busy giving out love and I'm not getting any in return. I'm loving with my whole heart, I'm hurting for everyone else around me, but it seems that nobody will love me with their whole heart, with all that they have, that they can't see that I need, and I mean REALLY need, to be loved. And I just keep on asking why, why can't you love me, why can't anybody love me? Just love me... just take me away from everything like I try to take you away. I don't know how I'm going to do my homework, and classwork in general. I just don't know. I don't think I even care. No, I don't even care. I just... I just want to cry... I just want to cry... oh please come on this just sucks and it isn't fair at all. It's not fair. It's awful. I can't describe it. I can't think of any words that will do this pain justice. And I'm sick of people trying to tell me that I shouldn't be so sad. Or people making light of it, no, stop it, you can't just make light of it, and you can't tell me you know exactly how I feel, because this is my pain, my pain! Not your pain! You can't feel the stabs in my chest right now. You can try to make light of it, try to joke about it, try to tell me you understand, but DON'T. Don't do that. Just let me cry. And hold me. Hold me while I cry. I can't do this alone. Let me yell at you. Let me scream at you and then come to me and hold me and let me cry in your arms. Please dear Lord, tell me why he can't just love me. Why is there nobody who can just love me?!?!

Up to you.

He looks in my eyes
As if he can hear my thoughts
A smile breaks out

Longing to touch him
I struggle to stay seated
As he walks away

Please don’t leave me here
We could be so beautiful
Walking hand in hand

Please just kiss me now
And tell me you will be back
To take me away

Such a silly girl
Fell in love with disaster
And said she’d be fine

It’s something scary
Loving with no assurance
That you will be loved

Unrequited love
A beautiful kind of pain
Smile as you break

Don’t know how he feels
But you can feel something there
In the shared quiet

Electric currents
They flow between us now
and I step closer

I reach for your arm
Tell myself now or never
It’s time to find out

Break me or love me
It is all up to you now
Go ahead and shoot

Hmm.

I thought the feelings were one-sided. Now I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm 80% certain that they are not one-sided, and that the feelings are mutual. That wasn't just a friendly thing... friends don't act like that...
I want to write what happened. To be honest, it's hard for me to believe what happened...
my heart is going AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA GIDDY GIDDY GIDDY GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D
omg...
hahahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhaha