This pain is heart-wrenching and stabbing and twisting and turning and breaking and crushing and destroying and awful and terrible and scary and hurtful and deadly and murderous. I didn't think the pain would be quite so... consuming. So monstrous. I don't want to be going through this. I don't. I'm hurt. To the very core, I'm hurt.
I want to get angry at him. I want to stare him down and yell in his face and ask him why it can't just work out. And why does it seem that I'm such a hard person to love?
I'm difficult, I know. I'm really picky over everything, even stupid stuff. Well, especially stupid stuff. I argue a lot about the most trivial things and I say things that I shouldn't, and I can be really weird, and I can't stand it when someone makes a mess of my stuff, and I'm really hard on myself and I put a lot of pressure on people to not make stupid mistakes. And I can never just shut up. And I always need music, and I'm constantly singing, and I'm frustrating, I'm frustrating because I'm so indecisive and can never just make up my mind, and I'm always caught between saying my feelings and keeping them in.
But I thought that it would be one of those things where like... people love you anyways. Where people look at your flaws and your imperfections and they fall in love with them, they accept them, they laugh at them and welcome them.
But it's not that. People don't just love me like I need to be loved. I'm so busy giving out love and I'm not getting any in return. I'm loving with my whole heart, I'm hurting for everyone else around me, but it seems that nobody will love me with their whole heart, with all that they have, that they can't see that I need, and I mean REALLY need, to be loved. And I just keep on asking why, why can't you love me, why can't anybody love me? Just love me... just take me away from everything like I try to take you away. I don't know how I'm going to do my homework, and classwork in general. I just don't know. I don't think I even care. No, I don't even care. I just... I just want to cry... I just want to cry... oh please come on this just sucks and it isn't fair at all. It's not fair. It's awful. I can't describe it. I can't think of any words that will do this pain justice. And I'm sick of people trying to tell me that I shouldn't be so sad. Or people making light of it, no, stop it, you can't just make light of it, and you can't tell me you know exactly how I feel, because this is my pain, my pain! Not your pain! You can't feel the stabs in my chest right now. You can try to make light of it, try to joke about it, try to tell me you understand, but DON'T. Don't do that. Just let me cry. And hold me. Hold me while I cry. I can't do this alone. Let me yell at you. Let me scream at you and then come to me and hold me and let me cry in your arms. Please dear Lord, tell me why he can't just love me. Why is there nobody who can just love me?!?!