Stay.

I can't say this to your face, but stay. Please stay, and don't leave. I'm giving you the choice. I'm trying to move on. But I want you to stay. Please don't leave me...
I have God. More than I ever have, now. He calms me even as I write this. Like, it's weird how it happens. And I love having God on my side. I just want you there too... I want you to stay with me. You asked if I could handle it if you didn't talk to me again. I said yes. Because I could survive. I could get through it.
But don't you get it? I don't WANT to have to get through it. I don't want to make it through that, because I don't want to have to... I know I would survive, but I don't want to have to survive without you in my life. It's not a sense of needing you to survive anymore, but it's a sense of wanting you there with me. A sense of just wanting you in my life...

My life is ridiculous.

LOL, There's a Jung personality test that usually tells people their personality types, and I always get two different results: ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) and ENFP (Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving). I'm both the performer and the inspirer. See, my personality is so different not even the number one personality test in the world can figure it out exactly. lol. you just can't define me and my personality.
I'm kind of hilarious. I sit here like "oh blah blah you won't answer me you're pathetic" but like at the same time it's like "wow erin YOU'RE pathetic, geez, shut up and chill about it, you're so pathetic ugh."
well, three more days.
I only slept three and a half hours last night, and have not taken a nap today, and guess what?
I'm too anxious/excited/nervous/ridiculous about everything to sleep right now.
I have a mosquito bite on my cheek, but hey, it happens.
LOL, so I'm going to do a daily journal when I go to Vermont on my youth group's mission trip next week. I'm gonna take lots of pictures too. Maybe I'll put it all up on here when I get back! :D
Okay maybe I am getting tired. But... how am I supposed to sleep?
I just... I don't know.
Goodbye people, I've got to go to sleep!

Being an Empath.

I am an empath, and if you don't know what that means, it basically means I can literally feel others' emotional pain and take on their problems as my own, and will empathize with damn near anybody even when I don't want to.
I was searching around for people like me. I mean, not many people understand, and by not many, I mean it. Counselors, youth leaders, teachers, good friends... I just feel deeper. And I found something that is SO TRUE that it hurts.

"This is a tragically sad truth, but empaths (who have a deeper understanding, sense, and capacity of and for love) more often than not, have the damndest time finding someone who can love them. They can love SOOOOOOOO deeply and so quickly, that they scare the other person off - sometimes even being accused of being obsessive or having fake feelings. These feelings are not fake, but it COULD be called obsessive behavior. This is because an empath (by their gift) can cut down the amount of time it takes to know someone emotionally, mentally, and spirtually... FROM years, TO weeks or days or yes... even hours. That being said, it can be (to an empath, anyway) like they've known and loved you for years... so would it be so wrong to be obsessive over someone you've known and loved for THAT long? But the truth still stands as their (in my personal opinion and experience) biggest weakness. Empaths are often times doomed to be able to do all they want, EXCEPT, what they need (and want) to do the MOST... which is simply to be with someone who can not only accept them for who they are (hard enough, sometimes), but also to be able to return that which empaths command with un-equaled grace and ease... love."

Hits the nail on the fricken' head. Oh, man.
But now listen. I don't like going around with this label, like, "Oh, I'm an Empath, I'm all cool and stuff and better than you." Sometimes I even get mad at myself whenever I say how much I like helping people and how happy it makes me to help others and make them happy. I feel like I seem fake, or even that I'm coming off fake, because it sounds it... but I'm not. I truly do feel that way.
And no, I don't think I'm some sort of psychic freak, either, like some websites say. It's not some magic thing, it's just me, I don't know. I'm not claiming to have magic powers.
It's so hard.

WOAH, BABY, IT'S RANTING TIME!

My dad, omg, my dad.
The subject of the type of guy I'm attracted to came up between me and my mom and my dad was there, and I said "I'm not racist, but I don't find myself attracted to black people. Half-black people I can be, though."
My dad was like. "Oh, see, I'm fine with you being attracted to a half-black person. As long as they aren't in my family."
I just like flipped out. I was like "Oh, so you wouldn't want me marrying a half-black person? You're racist!" and he's like "Yeah, I am. But I'll probably be dead by the time you get married anyway." (my dad's really positive and optimistic like that)
and I'm like "Even if you are alive, it's not your decision anyway, and I don't care if that would disappoint you, it shouldn't anyway."
And I just kinda left the room.
My dad has really screwed up values and opinions.
I don't understand how he can be so rude. Gee, Dad, sorry everybody can't be perfect like you... sarcasm greatly expressed there.

I would just like to say...

that pushing me away only makes me step forward again and ignoring me only makes me more determined to help.
in the end you will thank me. for now, I will not stop trying.

Uhhhh.....

I can't eat. I don't have an appetite and whenever I eat I feal nauseaous.
I can't sleep either.
Went to bed at 11:30. Woke up at 5. My eyes feel like weights. My neck is stiff.
I can barely function.
I'm so tired.
What is wrong with me?

Today...

Today was interesting, to say the least.
I went to the mall with two friends, a boy and a girl, and the boy kept teasing me. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously.
Well, he doesn't.
And then... that conversation... I blew up... I just...
well, I just don't know anymore.
how much more can I take?
should I walk away?

Oh man.

this conversation is disturbing. it shouldn't have to be had.

In my last post...

I forgot to mention how much it TERRIFIED me that he might want to stay rock hard for life.
Can that even happen?

It's the waiting that I hate.

It's the waiting that will kill you, really. The wondering, the pacing back and forth (which actually does happen at really desperate times), and the checking of the emails, the tap tap tapping of your fingers on a desk while you try to keep composure.
The boredom does it, too. The standstill. The rush hurts, also. Maybe stabs more sharp, but the boredom... it just hits deep. It may not be so sharp, but it's deeper. It crowds around you and drives you insane.
Plans are changing, people are leaving...
Is it so wrong that I long just to be in his arms again? That I want the warmth, want them wrapped around me, only the last time, there wasn't really warmth. I wonder if there is now. How things have improved. Ahh, the situation has not. Oh no, it's escalated to a full-on tragedy. But himself, could he possibly be getting better? Or is he getting worse? Or is it still? Is he rock hard for life?
Is he trying to make himself inpenetrable? Impossible to smash open and let everything come flooding out?
I started out trying to save him. I wanted him to save me too...
The rest of my life is like a novel, with twists and turns, so I guess I figured, why can't I fall in love, too? Why can't we help each other?
Even when you expect craziness, it still doesn't turn out how you expect in this life.
Crazy, really.
I just want somebody to hug me.