Interesting.

So on Monday I found out that Selena Gomez was gonna be at the mall that day. I got there at 5:30 and she was supposed to come at 6. This was all in the PM. I went inside and decided that I wasn't about to squeeze into a huge crowd. Instead, I went around to the side of the mall to the back entrance and there I found a police officer. I started talking to him and then I was like "Listen, we both know she's coming through that door."
He let me stay. I got a picture of her coming and going and had the shortest transaction of words with her ever.
I said: "Hey there, how ya doin"
She said "Thanks very much for having me here."
The two sentences don't really mesh but she was in a rush.
After that some boy asked for my number.
End of day.

It was weird.
And today I went to the pool.
Yay.
Boo.
Forever alone.

Ummm. okay.

So I had a very interesting experiencing involving hundreds of girls, a cute guy, police officers, paparazzi, and Selena Gomez.

I will explain in detail later.

0_o

hateyoudad. hateyou.

hateyoudadhateyoudadhateyoudadhateyoudadhateyoudad.

hate you

shut up I hate you

I HATEEE YOUUUU

I hateyouu
haetyouhateyou
ugh
SHUT UP SHUT UP

Still offended.

He just posted Happy Birthday on another kid's wall.

I'm saddddd.

Actually Offended.

The hottest teacher in my school usually posts Happy Birthday wishes on his student's walls.
Seriously on everyone's.
But not mine.

I am genuinely offended...

Psst...

Sometimes?

I wish he would know how it felt.

I wish he would feel that hurt too.

But only sometimes.

Life, you suck.

I have said it many times before, but this time, I mean it more than ever.

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

She's leaving, he's staying. So many other people are leaving too... this is absolutely not fair at all.

Everybody is LEAVING. Shit. It's getting ridiculous.

One friend to Kentucky... another to Virginia... another 2 hours north... another to New Mexico for the summer, and possibly forever...

This honestly is not fair.

That d-bag didn't come last night and then suddenly I heard his voice because he was there to take his sister away for possibly forever and I hid.

WHAT THE FUDGESTICK

Looking back, eww. I hid?! I'm not that weak anymore. I mean, really. It's time to confront him and to realize that he's pathetic, weak, and a much smaller person than I am. Really.

He took his sister with him and I went outside and sobbed my freaking eyes out of my FACE.

It had nothing to do with him, it barely does anymore.

I just can't believe she's leaving. Actually leaving.

I was so indifferent to it when I first heard it and was just angry, but last night it suddenly hit me when the seniors were all talking. It suddenly hit that everyone was actually leaving and not just talking about it and I couldn't stand it and just went nuts.

If I never see her again. Well.

I can't even imagine. So much happened there and to never see her again would be ridiculous.

To see him a lot will just be an insult from the universe.

Where's the kid living, anyway?

No, I don't want those answers.

So I went and hung out with that kid who I might have been interested in and I have to say...

no. It's not going to work out and I'm just forever alone.

How absolutely awful is it that I actually believe I'm going to be alone and left behind forever?

There is no reason for me to hate myself.

I'm such a GOOD person.

I hate myself.

Tomorrow.

I'm just gonna be like "I've wanted to talk to you about something but I haven't had the chance because you've been away, but yeah, I just wanted to say FUCK YOU, that's all."

and then I'm walking away.

and I'm NOT looking back.

and that's that.

over and out.

I expected this.

I am not surprised.

I know I am not wanted.

I HAVEN'T DECIDED

WHETHER OR NOT GUYS TALK IN GIBBERISH AND THAT'S WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM OR WHETHER THEY TALK IN PERFECT CLEAR ENGLISH AND I LOOK FOR MORE AND THAT'S WHY THEY CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

either way, I'm lost.

Closure: Goodbye, Hello.

My closure will end with two words.

Then I will go and flee and be free like a butterfly :D. And he will remain a bee who will die out after stinging everyone he can and letting his venom out.

I'm not afraid of his reaction, or anything, because I'm going to walk away before he can say a damn thing. There is nothing he can say. Nothing he can do. Sorry is nothing. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

GOODBYE.

This is also hello.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

Hello summer, hello experiences, hello to my journey of finding a true sense of self that I can come to love.

Hello new people and new interests and new crushes and new memories. New memories to be made... replacing the old. Replacing the old memories with the good ones, because I deserve that. God knows I deserve that.

I deserve respect! I deserve care, and love! Why put up with way way way way WAY less than I deserve? I refuse to. I simply refuse to. I don't need to. I don't need people in my life who only rip me apart. The pain has not disappeared, but it no longer hinders me. It acts as a catalyst that strengthens me. I feel the pain and I reach above it and move forward. It's my 17th birthday on Tuesday. Last year I spent part of my birthday feeling terrible sadness because some pathetic asshole had me and used me and ripped my heart to shreds.

THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT.

I'm not cutting myself, I'm cutting the ties.

I'm not hurting myself, I'm helping others as WELL as myself.

I'm not going to turn numb, I will do everything I can not to.

I am not going to lock my heart up, I will continue to wear it on my sleeve because that is who I am.

I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and who cares deeply for people and he didn't ruin that!

For all he did, he did NOT ruin the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve! He did NOT take away my care for others! He did not make me hard and numb! He did not make me give up or close myself or lock my heart away! He did not turn me into him! HE DID NOT SUCCEED. HE DID NOT WIN. I WON. I WON BECAUSE I AM STILL STANDING AND I AM NOT RUINED. I am NOT ruined. HE DID NOT RUIN ME. I AM NOT RUINED.

Checkmate.

You lose. You lose you lose you lose!

THIS GAME IS OVER.

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Everybody uses me in some way.

Everybody.

I'm the rebound girl.

Yippee.

At least I think i'm the rebound girl...

I'm starting to think I should never get involved with anyone.

They will only hurt me, right?

ERIN YOU'RE AN IDIOT YOU HATE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY THIS SO DON'T BECOME ONE OF THEM KTHANKS.

but what if it's true for me.

Oh no. Oh no.

He just told me that he loves to play chess.

That's gotta be a dealbreaker.

HEHEHEHEHE I'M AN IDIOT

I asked him on a date.

He said yes.

WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO I LIVE IN.

That's NOT what is supposed to happen.

He was supposed to say no. I've had that before. I know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with yes. I don't know if I really like him, do I? I don't know. This is the first person I would be taking any interest in since the jackass, and it's just weird.

He was supposed to say no.

Because that would have been the least painful way to go about it, but now that he said yes we'll just have to extend the pain a bit more and I'll be more let down when he ends up hating me.

I obviously have unresolved issues, lol, I'm completely aware.

I'm terrible to myself.

I expect failure here because success in foreign to me.

He just wasn't supposed to say yes. The law of my universe has been broken.

Well, actually, just bent. Because this is still gonna end up bad.

Do you see how awful I am to myself?

The agony that is my nonexistent love life.

Come on Erin, you can do it.

Like him. He's sensitive and sweet and not ugly and he has abs apparently and he's like super nice according to pretty much everyone and you've seen it yourself.

And maybe things could happen here.

LIKE HIM. DO IT. COME ON. JUST JUMP IN AND DO IT.

Why the hell can't I like someone when it might actually work?

Why.

Why why why why why why why.

Dad, you are so rude. You put everyone down. Everything has to go your way or else. You are a miserable man and I can't say anything to you without being wrong. You should just go over to your sister's house and you can both be mental and bipolar together.

Sometimes I just want you to leave. I mean sometimes I really do.