OMG. LAST NIGHT. OMG.

AND ALL OF YESTERDAY.
OMG.
GOD IS WORKING A MIRACLE.
AND I'M THE MOST CONFUSED PERSON ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW.

My Western Civ teacher is mean.

I missed the middle of a movie and only saw the beginning,
And he's making me watch the ending.
Lemme tell you, it's not gonna happen.
I'm talking to the principal, gonna start a riot. I have OCD, if I watch this movie out of order, I'll freak.
Ahhhhh.
I have homework to do.
May 27th.
I want school to end, but when school ends, that means something else too and I don't want that something else to happen.
God be with me.
I'm wearing my cross necklace today. :)

I can't function today.

I came to school today and honestly couldn't even function. I had to make a speech for running for class president, and I just started thinking about how stupid some people can be and the bad choices they make, and I just got so angry. I went to my school counselor and yelled about it, then went back to class. But now I'm angry again. I went to the nurse because I just felt so sad and couldn't concentrate. Couldn't function.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I shouldn't be at school right now. I want to go home and roll up in my covers and cry for hours. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to say they love me, someone who doesn't have to love me. Someone who wants to. I want to be able to pray to God more. I want to be happy. I want him to feel. I want him to cry.
I don't know how to describe my pain. I don't know any words that would do it justice right now. I just know that I am being completely overcome by heart-wrenching sadness. I don't want to become depressed like my sister.
My gosh, I just love that boy. And he doesn't love me. Would he miss me if I left? Do I mean anything to him? My gosh, these answers should be obvious! He'd be devastated if I left; it would be yet another person who betrayed him. And of course I mean something to him. Whether he wants to admit it or not. My earphones are in and the music is turned up so loud that it almost hurts. But anything to get my mind off of everything else. Almost anything, I mean. I don't want to die. Even though it feels like this pain alone could kill me.
The song "I Don't Want To Be In Love" by Good Charlotte just came on. That's really cruel irony. I DON'T want to be in love. Okay, that's a lie. What I really don't want is to be in love alone.
AAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO!
I WANT TO SCREAM!
THIS ISN'T FAIR. I'M ANGRY AT GOD.
God, why?!?!?! Why does he have to go through this, and why did I have to fall in love with him?!?!?! This isn't fair! God, please. Please have mercy on them, have mercy on me, send a miracle that will change everything, PLEASE!
Take this pain away... I've always been told to give all my troubles to you. So go ahead, take them. Take them from me, take them off of my shoulers, I'm giving them to you, so here, take them.

That was weird. Suddenly I'm not as upset. I'm not kidding. Suddenly the ache is fading. This is weird.
Well, thanks, God.
Really.
Wow.
I'm kind of shocked. I'm kind of shocked at how I just asked for strength, and it was given to me.
What I have to work on is letting God figure out the rest of the situation. To let what's meant to happen happen. To not worry. To not try to save everybody and to not try to rescue everything and everyone all by myself. I have to let God do that.
It's as if in order to get me through the day, He calmed me and took some of the pain away.
Wow. I seriously just experienced something incredible...
I feel much better now...
:/
hmm.
fine with me.
God kinda rocks.
Seriously, wow. I can't explain it, just... I feel like I was just filled with God's love! Wow wow wow. As I type, I'm becoming stronger. Literally, I'm completely like wow right now. I feel stronger. Much stronger.
I have been saved by God time and time again.
He has saved me time and time again. He will never give up on me.
I can never... No, I will never give up on Him. I won't give up on this life He has given me. He has great plans for me. And even though I have no idea how my mood has suddenly turned around, I can say that I am quite excited to see what these plans are.

Great. I have a C in Math.

Seriously? Is this really happening right now?

I'm looking at you through the glass...

It feels like I'm looking at you through glass. Watching everything go on, and my hands, my nose, my arms and legs are pressed up against this glass, and I can see everything going on, and I just can't stop it. I'm banging on the glass trying to get your attention, and it's just not working.
I have to pray. That's the only way I'll get through this. Today I've got school, an essay to type... it's all just so hard to do when your mind is somewhere else. I just didn't want to make the effort of getting out of bed today. My grades are becoming less important to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to work really hard so I can get into a good college. I already have my choices picked out, and the order that I'm going to apply for them.
1. New York University
2. Berkely, CA
3. Penn
4. Pepperdine University
Yeah, I know, ambitious, right? Well what's the point of playing it safe when taking chances in life? You can't really play it safe in life, because you truly never know what will happen. I sure have learned that.
I guess one thing that really makes me feel better is knowing that I'm not going to be left alone in my pain, and that there are a lot of people who are going to be here for me during this. And finally, my feelings have been validated. I have to been told that I have a right to be angry, that I have a right to be hurt, to cry, to scream, to yell, to be upset. I now also have the validation that I am playing a role in this, that I really am making an impact and am a part of everything. I've been feeling like, you know, someone not important lately, someone who isn't really doing anything for him. It's nice to hear that I'm wrong about that. It really is.
Of course I wonder if he ever thinks of me from time to time, when I'm not there. I know the answer is probably a no. But I still think of him. And I still will think of him.
And to be honest, right now one of my biggest concerns is getting through this day, this week, these school days. I'm having a lot of trouble. I don't like the people at my school. Not at all. I like the people in youth group and the leaders and I like a few select friends who go to my school and some people from other schools. But nobody here really gets it, really completely understands. They don't know what's going on in my life. Frankly, the ignorance and selfishness of people really just disgusts me.
At least I've finally said it out loud, though. Finally admitted it. It was like a dam breaking free, like something was released from me that was struggling to get out. I love him. And that's a very dangerous thing, especially in this situation. But I love him, and I can't just turn that off. I guess there's something frighteningly beautiful about heartbreak: the ability to love and to care, and loving with all you have, and opening yourself up and being real, with no promise of being loved back. To love with all your heart to the point where like me, you're sitting in a chair at school with a literal ache in your chest, and you know are not guaranteed of being loved back, but to keep loving anyway. A scary kind of beautiful.
So to the boy who won't read this, I love you. And I'm scared. And it's going to hurt and I'm going to be in pain. But guess what? I'm going to love you anyway. I'm going to love you anyway.

Waiting... waiting.... waiting...

I'm just waiting for the bell to ring so I can go home and check my email and rest assured that my plans are not canceled.
ahdunfus.
if they are, I'm going to continue writing a letter I started writing yesterday. I was up till 11 writing, and could have stayed up all night, but I knew I needed my sleep.
Sometimes writing letters on paper really helps you to reflect and makes it easier to pour your heart out.
I really hope my plans are still intact.
hyhfvudfvdfu.
I'm looking forward to a dance I'm going to on Friday. I'm going to see how many boys I've rejected grinding with by the end of the night, and considering the fact that the dance is a mixer with kids from a bunch of different schools, and there will be 1000+ teenagers there, mostly boys (because the school hosting the mixer is an all boys school), then I'm pretty sure I'm going to be telling a lot of people "No." And I'm going to love it. haha. :p
I love saying no to people. I don't say it a lot. When I can, it's like taking a bite of a delectable dessert that I've been craving for a while.
It's really a wonderful day outside today. I think it's very incredible, how beautiful the sky and the sun is.

Ew, ew, ew, it's Tuesday...

This is disgusting.
Ugh.

I hate Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays will be the death of me if nothing else is.
I don't do anything on those days, and honestly like I can't take them. Not at all. Today's Monday, so I have service club after school. Thursday, go over to a friend's and then go to youth group. Friday and Saturday I usually always have plans, Sunday is Church, then back to Monday's service club, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays? Ugh, disgusting. Gross gross gross gross.
I haven't been going over to this one friend's house all that much though and I used to go twice a week, but now things are getting more hectic over there I think.
You know, that's just what we need right now, something else bad to happen with that situation... but it did, because that's life.
I am aware that I have a problem. It's called "Hey, yeah, I have to see this person or else I'll freak out and the only reason for that is because there's not much time left before I can't see this person oh and guess what I have a crush on this person oh and guess what else it will never work out".
Yeah, that's what I have.
Okay, hold on a second, who's to say it will never work out? Couldn't anything happen? I mean seriously, can't anything happen... can't it be possible? Haha, look at me, falling in love with disaster again. It's as if I love this pain, as if I enjoy the ache in my heart, as if I'm not myself unless I'm a sad, sad song. (yeah okay some of that was lyrics I won't lie)
Honestly I made such a stupid decision the other day, like what is my problem?
Seriously, what the hell is my problem? Why the hell did I do that? I... am... such a stupid person to do what I did, like honestly I'm dumb as hell to do that. Not planning on doing it again, ever. It will only lead me down like the darkest path that there is. So I'm turning around. I've come to the entrance to that dark forest, and I am shaking my head no, turning around, and walking away.
You know what a lot of people don't know about me? I'm scared to death of people leaving me and forgetting about me. Ha, it's kind of funny how someone may be afraid of me leaving them when really I'm afraid of them leaving me.
Listen, I'm not depressed, and I'm not sad all the time. In fact, I'm usually pretty happy a lot of the time, and I want people to know that when I write this stuff it's not that at the moment I'm really sad or that I'm depressed, it's just that I need an outlet, and this is where I can go to let those feelings out.

I keep wanting to use the word love but I really don't know, and I really don't want to make that promise or commitment at this time, it would destroy me.
Well. I mean.
I'll look at the positives.
At least we've got ice cream at home.

I wonder...

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how they smart they were when they were 15. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day and how they are able to cope with having 3 quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heartbreaking. And wondering why.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Last night was great. :)

Last night I went out to ice cream with a few friends after youth group. It was really a lot of fun. Me, Renee, Jasmine, Paul, JP, and a boy named Zack were there. I usually don't quite enjoy Zack, but he wasn't so bad last night. JP's nice. Renee and Jasmine are two of my best friends, and Paul is hilarious. So it was a good time. :) Even though I did get some bad news.
The news wasn't too bad. I mean, okay, it's not what anybody would want to hear, definitely not, however it's not something that needs to tear me apart.
I've never been good at people leaving me. I myself have kind of an issue about being afraid that people are going to leave me or stop talking to me or just give up on me or desert me and forget about me.
I was recently told from someone that they weren't going to leave me. But I mean, aren't they? I don't know.
I guess instead of thinking about it, I'll just enjoy my time with them, and I'll hope it will last. They did promise, anyway. And I think that in this case I can trust them.
The people in my school annoy me to pieces sometimes. I wonder what goes through people's heads these days. Some people probably just think about clothes and their next boyfriend and the material things they want and all that crap that doesn't even matter. Personally, bahh. I'd rather do something with my life, take a risk, go on an adventure. This summer is going to change things in my life so much... I can feel it. It's kind of scary. I just have this extremely strong hunch that things are really going to change in some kind of way...
I wonder what it's like to fall in love with someone else. Like, you know, fall in love together. I wonder what that's like, how it feels. It must be pretty amazing. It really must be.
Tonight I'm having Renee sleep over.
We're going to eat our feelings together.
It's going to be great.
:)
Well, ciao for now, I guess!

Wow, Erin, you're smart... and my testimony, shortened beyond belief.

Sometimes I say things that I shouldn't say in front of certain people. Like what I said two minutes ago in front of this one boy in my class. I don't know why the heck it didn't occur to me that shutting up would have been a brilliant idea, but I really just can't believe I did that... ugh. Wow.
Youth group is tonight, but it's going to be cut short because some of the leaders are going off to Vermont to prepare for Serve, a high school trip during the summer where we serve in Vermont, helping with things from churches to daycares. Of course, this will be my first year, so I can't really say "we" yet. I got so distant from that church. When I was younger I used to ask to stay home from church, but now I go even though my parents don't.
I was like... 10 when I started going to church there. I didn't really understand what I was there for, or what I was learning, really. I was a little ball of energy. I seemed soooo happy all the time. Then when I was like 11 I started getting all ughhghg and disgustingly not happy at all, and I started going less. When I was 12 and 13 I would sometimes go to youth group and everything, but rarely to church in the morning. And I'd do the lock-ins, but I was so lost. I wasn't happy at all. I don't think I realized it at the time. I don't think anybody noticed that things were different. I was still really hyper and would laugh all the time, so people probably just thought I was the same old Erin. Truth be told, people get surprised when I tell them that I've been struggling, or even that I'm really upset lately or something like that. They're usually like, "you? you're upset? but you're always laughing. you seem so carefree and happy." I guess it's easy for me to be temporarily really happy. I don't let things keep me from living a fun, adventurous life, I guess. However, that means under not circumstances that I don't have any problems. Because believe me, I have a lot of problems.
Anyways, 14 years old... well I mean, I was basically at the point where I was beginning to not care at all. I was like "what's the point?" I had a lot of friends, and looking back, I can see that I thought my life was pretty good, that's just what it was. It was pretty good, okay, or terrible. There was something missing, and over the summer, as the school year approached for the 10th grade, I realized there was something that was making me feel empty. I went to everything I could to feel something, everything but things that were self-destructive. I reached the point where I might have done something self-destructive, but then finally, after everything else, I looked to God. And I saw my life change in the next couple of weeks in a way that I didn't know it could. Suddenly hope was renewed, a sense of peace was brought into my days, and my faith in God was restored. It was quite magical. I was shocked by just how obvious the change was. Early November of 2009 was the month I truly accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and let Him into my heart and let Him fill up my life with something meaningful.
That's the extremely short version of my testimony.
I would love to share my testimony with my youth group, and bring in the details. Tell of the struggles, say, "Listen, this is what happened. I could be lost right now, I could have given up. I could have looked somewhere else for an escape; drugs, drinking, sex, self-injury. But I didn't. I went to God. God is the reason that my life has a purpose, a meaning. I could have been so lost... could have done so many things I would have regret. But I didn't. Finally, I have found peace in God."
I want to say that. I want to share my story not for the sake of people saying "Wow, you went through all that, and you're so strong" but for the sake of me being able to say "I am a survivor. I have been saved by God's love for me. I am a believer, and I am going to be taken care of, because my life is in God's hands, and I truly believe that He is going to use me for something amazing, for I am letting Him use me, and I have faith that my life will have purpose and meaning, because I am living a life for Him."
So yeah. I want to do that.
If you read this, cool. If you didn't, doesn't matter.
I wrote this for myself. Every day is a journey of getting closer to God, and writing this helped me to realize my testimony even better.
However, of course I will finally realize my testimony to the highest extent when I can share every detail. I hope to do that soon.
Bye! :)

Answer my freaking question! Ugh.

So I sent someone an email asking them an important question and they won't get back to me and it's driving me up a freaking wall but I'm trying to distract myself. I watched a movie last night to get my mind off of things, it worked. I'm going to do the same today after school. I've just gotta, you know, get my mind on other things, keep in mind that I can't let something drive me so crazy.
It's kind of insane, how we let things take us and twist us the way they do. Like, can't you just forget things, Erin? Can't you just stop thinking about it?
Bahahahaha.
No.
No, I can't.
I'm aware that I'm pretty frustrating. Like, the people who I tell things to, and who I'll let know things going on in my life, well, they probably hate me half the time. I've got a lot of stuff going on, but hey, if you can't take all of me than you don't deserve any of me.
Audios for now.

It will never work out.

He's damaged, that's what I'm told. I know that. I just wish he wasn't. Why does he have to be damaged? Why can't I fix him? How am I supposed to concentrate in school when all I want to do is freak out and break down? It won't ever work out, I don't think. Ugh. See, this is me arguing with myself. It's like all the songs that I hear make so much sense to me. So much sense it's overwhelming, it's scary.
I'm afraid to let myself feel for this person because it will only hurt me in the end, I got that. Only, you know, it's not all that easy to just forget and to just say, okay, I'm over it. And besides, I'm not about to become yet another person who just deserts him. Only I can't help thinking that it's possible this isn't one-sided. In fact, I really don't think it's one-sided anymore. That's scary. It gives me hope, too, but I don't WANT it to give me hope, because then that hope will just be crushed.
I guess all along I knew this was going to happen, I knew that things were going to go deeper than they should go if I don't want my heart to get broken again. No, I don't necessarily mean romantic heartbreak, but heartbreak in general. I really don't think I can afford to get my heart broken again. I'm a pretty strong Christian, and I've prayed about this. God answered with quite a difficult answer: wait. But see, I'm having a really really really really hard time doing that.
If this feeling was one-sided, then why does it seem like for some reason there might be something not just on my side, but between us? And I'm starting to see something in his eyes; yeah, whatever, I know it sounds weird, but it's like I'm not just looking at someone so lost and depressed anymore, it's like there's something, some real piece of himself, peeking out, and I'm starting to see it. His eyes are becoming lighter. Less... empty, I guess? I know it sounds weird, but that's what it seems like. Like they're less empty, like something's coming back, and it's there between us...
I shouldn't expect anyone to understand. Because, honestly, I have a hard time understanding it all myself. I just need to let this out. I can't handle holding it in, it's suffocating me.