I'm looking at you through the glass...

It feels like I'm looking at you through glass. Watching everything go on, and my hands, my nose, my arms and legs are pressed up against this glass, and I can see everything going on, and I just can't stop it. I'm banging on the glass trying to get your attention, and it's just not working.
I have to pray. That's the only way I'll get through this. Today I've got school, an essay to type... it's all just so hard to do when your mind is somewhere else. I just didn't want to make the effort of getting out of bed today. My grades are becoming less important to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to work really hard so I can get into a good college. I already have my choices picked out, and the order that I'm going to apply for them.
1. New York University
2. Berkely, CA
3. Penn
4. Pepperdine University
Yeah, I know, ambitious, right? Well what's the point of playing it safe when taking chances in life? You can't really play it safe in life, because you truly never know what will happen. I sure have learned that.
I guess one thing that really makes me feel better is knowing that I'm not going to be left alone in my pain, and that there are a lot of people who are going to be here for me during this. And finally, my feelings have been validated. I have to been told that I have a right to be angry, that I have a right to be hurt, to cry, to scream, to yell, to be upset. I now also have the validation that I am playing a role in this, that I really am making an impact and am a part of everything. I've been feeling like, you know, someone not important lately, someone who isn't really doing anything for him. It's nice to hear that I'm wrong about that. It really is.
Of course I wonder if he ever thinks of me from time to time, when I'm not there. I know the answer is probably a no. But I still think of him. And I still will think of him.
And to be honest, right now one of my biggest concerns is getting through this day, this week, these school days. I'm having a lot of trouble. I don't like the people at my school. Not at all. I like the people in youth group and the leaders and I like a few select friends who go to my school and some people from other schools. But nobody here really gets it, really completely understands. They don't know what's going on in my life. Frankly, the ignorance and selfishness of people really just disgusts me.
At least I've finally said it out loud, though. Finally admitted it. It was like a dam breaking free, like something was released from me that was struggling to get out. I love him. And that's a very dangerous thing, especially in this situation. But I love him, and I can't just turn that off. I guess there's something frighteningly beautiful about heartbreak: the ability to love and to care, and loving with all you have, and opening yourself up and being real, with no promise of being loved back. To love with all your heart to the point where like me, you're sitting in a chair at school with a literal ache in your chest, and you know are not guaranteed of being loved back, but to keep loving anyway. A scary kind of beautiful.
So to the boy who won't read this, I love you. And I'm scared. And it's going to hurt and I'm going to be in pain. But guess what? I'm going to love you anyway. I'm going to love you anyway.