Sometimes I say things that I shouldn't say in front of certain people. Like what I said two minutes ago in front of this one boy in my class. I don't know why the heck it didn't occur to me that shutting up would have been a brilliant idea, but I really just can't believe I did that... ugh. Wow.
Youth group is tonight, but it's going to be cut short because some of the leaders are going off to Vermont to prepare for Serve, a high school trip during the summer where we serve in Vermont, helping with things from churches to daycares. Of course, this will be my first year, so I can't really say "we" yet. I got so distant from that church. When I was younger I used to ask to stay home from church, but now I go even though my parents don't.
I was like... 10 when I started going to church there. I didn't really understand what I was there for, or what I was learning, really. I was a little ball of energy. I seemed soooo happy all the time. Then when I was like 11 I started getting all ughhghg and disgustingly not happy at all, and I started going less. When I was 12 and 13 I would sometimes go to youth group and everything, but rarely to church in the morning. And I'd do the lock-ins, but I was so lost. I wasn't happy at all. I don't think I realized it at the time. I don't think anybody noticed that things were different. I was still really hyper and would laugh all the time, so people probably just thought I was the same old Erin. Truth be told, people get surprised when I tell them that I've been struggling, or even that I'm really upset lately or something like that. They're usually like, "you? you're upset? but you're always laughing. you seem so carefree and happy." I guess it's easy for me to be temporarily really happy. I don't let things keep me from living a fun, adventurous life, I guess. However, that means under not circumstances that I don't have any problems. Because believe me, I have a lot of problems.
Anyways, 14 years old... well I mean, I was basically at the point where I was beginning to not care at all. I was like "what's the point?" I had a lot of friends, and looking back, I can see that I thought my life was pretty good, that's just what it was. It was pretty good, okay, or terrible. There was something missing, and over the summer, as the school year approached for the 10th grade, I realized there was something that was making me feel empty. I went to everything I could to feel something, everything but things that were self-destructive. I reached the point where I might have done something self-destructive, but then finally, after everything else, I looked to God. And I saw my life change in the next couple of weeks in a way that I didn't know it could. Suddenly hope was renewed, a sense of peace was brought into my days, and my faith in God was restored. It was quite magical. I was shocked by just how obvious the change was. Early November of 2009 was the month I truly accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and let Him into my heart and let Him fill up my life with something meaningful.
That's the extremely short version of my testimony.
I would love to share my testimony with my youth group, and bring in the details. Tell of the struggles, say, "Listen, this is what happened. I could be lost right now, I could have given up. I could have looked somewhere else for an escape; drugs, drinking, sex, self-injury. But I didn't. I went to God. God is the reason that my life has a purpose, a meaning. I could have been so lost... could have done so many things I would have regret. But I didn't. Finally, I have found peace in God."
I want to say that. I want to share my story not for the sake of people saying "Wow, you went through all that, and you're so strong" but for the sake of me being able to say "I am a survivor. I have been saved by God's love for me. I am a believer, and I am going to be taken care of, because my life is in God's hands, and I truly believe that He is going to use me for something amazing, for I am letting Him use me, and I have faith that my life will have purpose and meaning, because I am living a life for Him."
So yeah. I want to do that.
If you read this, cool. If you didn't, doesn't matter.
I wrote this for myself. Every day is a journey of getting closer to God, and writing this helped me to realize my testimony even better.
However, of course I will finally realize my testimony to the highest extent when I can share every detail. I hope to do that soon.
Bye! :)
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