:l

this is emotional hell.

here's the thing: if staying is wrong, I'm not sure I want to be right.

I deleted the message he sent me.

I had a dream last night. It was really weird. He came to my house in his car with his sister and told me to get in and I did, and I sat in the back with his sister. and she was smiling at me and I was like, "What?" and HE answered "Oh, nothing. Nothing." Then he dropped his sister off at this building called Penn Dot or whatever, it was like a hotel or something, and she was going to eat lunch with her mom there. and then I got out with her and she said goodbye... I wasn't going with her, I was left with her brother... and when I got back in the car he told me to get in the front. I was like, "oh. okay." and when I was getting in I noticed that there were a bunch of people surrounding the car, staring, and I was like, "why are they all staring at us?" he didn't answer, we just got in and drove away, and I was starting to wonder where we were going, but then I woke up. I wanted to go back to it, wanted to know where we were going. But I guess it didn't matter.

The phrase, "It gets harder every day" is so true and nobody understands. They all expect me to be getting better, well news flash, it's just getting worse. They all ask if I'm better, if I'm feeling any better about it... no! I'm not! I'm feeling worse every day! Gosh, I'm sick and tired of people not understanding crap about how I feel. Like it literally feels like a huge hollow space in my chest, like some empty space, it actually FEELS that way!

I hate it.

I'm not sure I can do this.