My dad is so mean to my mom.

He's abusive.

I mean, let's look of the logistics of it.

• He always claims that she never spends any time with him. Whenever she goes out, he memorizes exactly what she did and if she goes out the next week he's like "You went here last week, with her, and drove here, and the week before that you went there and ran into her and invited her over." Something like that. He used to be terrible about it when I was younger. Like, so bad to the point that my mom was afraid to go out places because of him.
• He's always telling her what she's doing wrong. Nothing is ever right; he'll point out her faults, but I NEVER EVER hear him point out any of her good qualities.
• He accuses her of lying when she hasn't, calls her a "nutjob, goddamn animal, piece of shit, stupid, an idiot, liar, crazy, wackjob."
• No matter what, he always makes it seem like he's the one who knows what's right, and that no matter what my Mom says, she'll be wrong.
• The whole family walks on eggshells around him. I have had to lie many times about little things just so he doesn't blow up. I can't even talk to him. Everything I say to him is as if it's rehearsed. I'm afraid of him.
• Right at this very second he's complaining about her to someone on the phone, saying that she lied about where she went out to eat for her own birthday. He checked the mileage on the car just to see where she went. Now he's talking with someone on the phone about it because he HAS to be right. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. Manipulative, controlling, jealous bastard.
• He'll deny that things ever happened, telling her that she's making it up, and creating things in her mind. He says that to me all the time too. That can really damage someone.
• Other times, when he's mad, he'll withdraw and won't even talk to her. He'll go up and shut his door and sometimes she'll sleep downstairs.
• He denies her perceptions, memories, and even her sanity.
• He makes it so the only person who matters is him.
• He makes her feel guilty.
• He does this, he does that... the bottom line is that I could outline a bunch of experiences but that's not the point.

The point is that he's hurting my mom, and that I grew up with that knowledge and that I fell for someone who did some of the same things to me in less extensive ways.

And maybe there's a connection between that.

Maybe there isn't.

But that's not really the point either. The point is this:

He's abusive to my mother, and I've watched it for years. Only now, I know how my mom feels. I know what it's like to think you're the one who needs help, and to question the only real survival tool you have: your own mind.

I understand, and I watch, and I hear, and I listen. And I feel. And I don't know how this is going to all pan out. But I know that my father is mentally ill. And I know that sometimes living here can be the Cold War, and that my dad makes me question my own reality as well.

He makes me wonder if I'm crazy.

He makes me feel small.

Another thing I know is that I don't know how to deal with it. And I don't know what to do about it, either.