Like I needed to hear that. Like I don't fear it immensely. Like I don't curse myself already because I feel like I'm already going down that path. I love my siblings, I do. I just can't live like they do.
Then I freaked out over my hair and was running late and my mom got mad at me and proceeded to tell me, "you only care about yourself. Remember that I'm human too, and I have feelings too."
Oh my gosh. I couldn't even believe that she said that to me. All I think about is other people! And the reason that I'm suffering in silence is BECAUSE I think about her feelings!
And some people still wonder why I'm so afraid to tell my parents how I feel. *shakes my head*
But that's not all she said. She said that she must have something wrong with her because "all of my children are unhappy." DAMNIT, MOM!
See? See?!?! I can't be unhappy! I can't be! My life is one huge guilt trip. I told my mom that, and she said that her life was. Then I said, "You know what? I just won't tell you how I feel then, ever."
She said, "Neither will I, then."
I responded with, "Okay, that's great, then I'll just die inside."
Her response? "Now my day is going to be ruined hearing that."
SORRY TO BE SUCH AN INCONVENIENCE.
But then she texted me apologizing today. Which was nice. Usually I apologize first. Because I can't bear to have her in pain.
Now I'm hyped up on caffeine, because it gives me a false sense of being happier than I really am. Or just less sad than I am. I know it's false, but it's better than being completely blank and empty and throbbing, and feeling the pain like a whole-body bruise.
No comments:
Post a Comment