Daughter to Father.

Dear Dad, I was beating my fists last night, bawling myself into oblivion, crying my heart out, thinking about how you would hold me and cry on me if you knew. I was remembering how hurt you were when my OCD was such a struggle. You cried because I was in pain. Last night I started sobbing just thinking of how much pain you would feel if you knew the pain I was in. Today is a new day. Some stupid kid carved the word "Fuck" into our car, and you said that mom probably got someone angry, and that they probably retaliated. How dare you accuse her. You then went on to talk about how everything in the past year between you too wasn't your fault at all. How awful of you! You have played with our emotions, you know it! How are you the same man that held me when I cried? That cried with me? How is this possible, dad? I then told you that I was having my friend sleep over, and you said, "Great. That's great. You had a friend over last night and now you're having another one over. I never get any peace and calm, I always have people running around." Dad, this isn't helping! You don't know what it's like to be alone with my thoughts! I can't go to you; you tell me they aren't real! I cry in my bedroom at night and push my tears aside when you come in. I am so harsh to myself. You do not know. I pity you, I feel bad for you, I cry in a corner curled in a ball for YOU. I dream of making your life what you wanted it to be. When I am alone, I am bombarded by all of these thoughts and memories. Oh my goodness... Do you know how wonderful it would be to be a giggly girl for a little bit? To have a sleepover and talk all night and watch TV and drink soda and eat junk food and laugh and laugh and to just forget? Do you know how much I crave the company of anyone who can let me escape inside our teenage moments? Do you know how much I wanted to save you and mom's marriage, and make everything okay? How much I wanted to scream at you that I loved my brother and that he deserved to have a good life even though he was lazy? Or how many times I hear mom yelling for you when my sister was ready to take her life? Do you know how many times I have sat up in bed wanting you to hold me and comfort me? Or how manyt times I have criticized myself because I knew it wasn't up to your standards? Or even my own? It is so hard to cry and want the person who made me cry to wipe my tears away. It is so hard to fall in love for the first time. It is so hard to watch an emotionally abusive relationship take place in my own home, and then fall into one myself. It is so hard for my feelings to be denied. It is so hard to want more than anything to tell you how I'm feeling, but not be able to do so, for those feelings will be cast aside . I love you so much. I want to save you. I want you to be happy. I want to help. I want to pull roots out of the ground on hot summer days with you. See me! Hear me! Believe me! Justify my pain, please! You cried on me, Daddy. YOU cried on ME. Can we reverse that? Can I please cry into your shirt and bawl like the helpless child that I am, and can you just hold me until I've fallen asleep? Can you please see my pain? Can you please try to heal these wounds with your own loving touch? My heart has broken. Oh, pleae, please, please by the father I need you to be, and please try to piece it back together. Love, your daughter.