tonight.

Some nights I have all the answers. They come few and far between, but tonight is one of those nights.

Suddenly I look up at the night sky and I know that all I need to do is sit outside and look up at the stars and just feel that moment, just that moment. The only thing I want to do is take a walk and listen to things. To the crickets chirping and the rushing sound of a nearby creek, or a dog barking, or even just listening to the silence. I would just love to take a midnight walk in the middle of the road and feel a bit at peace. Sometimes I know that all I need to do is lay down on the ground and forget everything around me and let myself be swept away.

Sometimes I find myself, even just for a little bit. When I'm in the backseat of a car with the wind in my face and a great song is playing and suddenly everything is okay. When all of a sudden I know that the only thing I need to do is sit and listen and write and feel the air moving around me. The moments are so bittersweet. Peaceful and hopeful with a twinge of sadness.

But it's the hopeful kind of sad. The one that cries for the sorrows of the world, but stares longingly at the beauty of the world and all its romances and tragedies and broken hearts and healed hearts and all of it.

I can look so many other places to find myself, but it always happens when I don't even expect it. Suddenly I am the epitome of a caring and loving nature, and I am okay and at peace for a while. Sometimes the moments are very sad when this happens, but still, I have found myself, and I recognize the beauty of me.

On nights like this I wonder how I could be so harsh to myself. How I could try to find myself within a searing pain or lines and lines of crimson blood.

My thoughts are so awful that they creep in without warning; even now, after having a sense of calm and peace for about a half hour, the thoughts still come in: can nobody else love me? Am I that hard to love?

I live for those moments where breathing comes easy and the heavy weight on my chest is lifted. Those nights where I can listen to a song and become lost in it, and not anything else matters. I live to be found. There's no sense in becoming lost if you don't wait for the miraculous discovery and the wonder of being found.

Perhaps one day I will be happy. Perhaps maybe I will break free of the one thing that is holding me back, whatever it is.