Well then.

Easier than I thought it would be. Not doing it. I want to, sure, but I don't need to. As of now. And I hope it stays that way.

Everybody sucks, they don't even notice anything. I mean they think it's all happy happy joy joy. Ugh.

I'm surrounded right now by the people at my lunch table. Sometimes I think Lucy suspects something. She doesn't say anything. I don't know if I want her to. I had a couple of "almost" moments today where that thing almost happened. I don't like to use specific words, you know? It sounds so harsh, and I guess it is, but it's not crazy and awful and disgusting when it's happening. It's controlled, it's a release, it's... well, it is crazy, but my mind somehow convinces me there are reasons.

I invited Renee over after school because I didn't want to be alone. When I'm alone, I start thinking. I hate thinking. I hate when my thoughts block out everything and I'm just staring and nothing can keep me from remembering and missing. And I hate when I get that feeling, and know what I need to do to get rid of it, or to at least take the edge off.

I have a therapist, but I actually have an appointment next week. I figure I can make it until then. With effort. I hope. Yeah, I just need to keep believing that I can. As long as there's something left over. If they leave, if they fade, it's so weird, but I'll feel betrayed. I'll feel betrayed if the wounds heal.

That sounds so crazy. That sounds so damn crazy. Maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I'm just really trucked up in the head and am criminally insane.

But then, I remember that night when he said to me that he was crazy and I told him he wasn't. And he said, then what am I? And I said, "you're just hurt, you're just hurt."

So why can't I just say that to myself? Isn't that true? Aren't I just hurt?