I have discovered something wonderful.

It's called caffeine.

Yeah, I knew about it before, but I just started fully realizing how awesome it can be.

Drinking a lot of coffee and making myself feel hyper and energized.

It's totally legal.

And it won't make you die.

It's awesome.

However, I'm using it to feel some sort of energy because otherwise I feel so tired and have no motivation about anything. It's like alcohol except not.

I don't want to get myself involved with any drugs or anything, ever. EVER. EVERRRRRR

I don't ever want to become some drunk or some druggie, no no no no no no no no no no.

I want to be an actress very badly.

But if I became famous, that might kill me. The pressure, my need to please, my need to help others. If all of a sudden I had so much opportunity to help others, I would use it for so much good, I really would. If I was a celebrity, my goodness, I would HELP. The thing is, though, I would completely end up destroying myself if I became famous anytime soon. Soon being in the next year. I love acting so much so it's hard for me to realize that I want to act in films, but that I couldn't handle fame because I would forget about myself and end up dying of a heart attack at the age of like 22 because I'd be so concerned about everyone else. Like that Jimmy Eat World lyric: "A soul with a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live."

Sometimes I feel like that.

It'd be like, THIS JUST IN: ERIN DIES OF HEART FAILURE CAUSED BY PASSION FOR OTHERS

LOL, can that even happen?

Sometimes I wish that I could just forget about my problems and put them aside forever. I wish that I could go around fixing everything else, and that maybe by fixing everything else, everything would be okay, and I could just ignore that thing inside me that's screaming and aching to be fixed. I don't know what it is. It would have been wonderful if every time I ever felt pain, I let it out. If I had just felt my emotions at the time when they came, maybe I wouldn't be like this now. Maybe I would even be happy.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Screw the maybes. Screw them.

I'm searching for the answer inside of fixing other people. I'm trying to fix myself by fixing other things. That will never work. I have to work on me. My only question is...

is there any middle ground? At all?

Is there any way to love passionately and intensely for others and care SO much and also at the same time love intensely and passionately my own self and care SO much for me?

Can these two things exist together?

Or am I destined to stand in the middle of these options for my whole life?

Am I destined to keep getting angry at all of the people I'm helping?

Am I destined to keep destroying myself?

Of course, I can change it all.

But would that mean turning my feelings off and forgetting about other people all together?

I couldn't do that. That's not a life.

It's like standing in a crowd and everybody's rushing around you and you just don't even know where to turn.

There's some subconscious part of me that's screaming out to my conscious self, screaming "Help me! Focus on me! Heal! Heal all of this and mend yourself, please! You need to!"

I've been ignoring it for far too long.

But the truth?

The absolute truth?

I have no idea how to even begin healing.

From anything.

Umm.

Help me?