I want to feel alive.

So maybe I'm a better student and haven't gotten in trouble with the law and all that jazz but my sister reigns in one department: looks and allure.

Boys used to ask me, "Your sister's so gorgeous, what happened to you?"

They might as well just beat me with a stick. I'd rather be hurt in that way.

I wanted to tell them that she wasn't all they thought she was, and that she was a drunken depressed sullen bitch to my whole family and that they could go screw themselves.

My sister is quite gorgeous.

I'm... not.

My skin heals so slowly that it's not even funny. There are tiny purple lines all over me from just getting scratches, so that's what's keeping me from doing stupid things, but I guess it's good that anything is keeping me from it. I think I just want to feel alive right now.

I really HATE recklessness, especially because I know what it's like to be the witness of someone being reckless. It's scary and causes a lot of people around you issues, not to mention yourself. But I don't know, I kind of want to live on the edge or something, I want some type of thrill. I guess I just don't know where to find it. The rush. The adrenaline.

I'm starting to remind myself of people I don't want to remind myself of. But for some reason it's like if there's a possibility of getting hurt, I smile. or if there's a really sharp knife somewhere, I want to toss it in the air and catch it and laugh. Which, I know, is royally effed up. I don't want to do it to hurt other people, or to make them scared. I don't want to make other people scared at all. I do kind of want to alert them to the fact that I'm struggling and that I could use help from anybody who cares, but hurting someone isn't the idea here. I don't really want to hurt myself, I don't think, or don't know. I don't want to die, I know that.

But I'm kind of cynical lately. I kind of just want to (and I know this sounds REALLY bad, but I'm not meaning it to) run a knife over my skin just to have that rush, knowing that I could do damage, but choosing not to. I don't wish to die. AT ALL.

I don't know what possesses me to take a knife and put it over my wrist and hold it there, but it makes my heart beat faster and for some reason it just brings me back to the "here and now".

I sound so twisted. I suppose I am. But if I had one wish for this very moment I'd climb down the side of my house and run... but I don't know what I'd run to. I want someone to run to.

I tell everyone they can run to me, but who do I run to? And why would I run to me when most of the time I just want to run away from me?

:/