I'm caught in a rut and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of complaining. I feel like I should shut up and not speak. I feel like certain people are getting tired of listening to me.
I'm in some dense cloud or something. I just don't know what to do other than go through the motions of my day. What would happen if I stopped speaking? If I started wearing black all the time? If I never went out with friends? If I stopped talking to everyone? Would someone try to help, try to reach out, try their hardest to help me make things better? Or would I just be left alone, forever forgotten?
I have done so much for my friends. One of which I cooked, cleaned, lied, cried, and was always there for. And I didn't do it because I wanted anything from her, I did it because I wanted to. I wasn't doing it so she would repay me. However, it'd be wonderful if she would be here for me too. If she would help me. That would be great.
But even she seems to have taken me for granted and used me for her own advantage. Even she.
And then in the end I still feel bad for everyone else. I still feel like everything is my fault, just because... I don't know. I don't know, I blame myself for so much. I call myself stupid all the time. I look at myself in the mirror and don't even know what to do with myself. Then lights, camera, action, and my door opens and oh hi I was just fixing my hair what's for dinner tonight? smile smile laugh laugh shut the door
scene.
And again I pace around my bedroom, collapsing into my bed or my chair, and then I am alone with myself.
That's why I hate going home. That's why I get so sad when people have to go home after a sleepover or when someone drops me off after doing something or anything. It's because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, and my self-loathing, and my memories, and my sadness, and everything I don't know how to deal with. How do you just make this sadness go away? I can't do shit for myself. I can do things for others, but damn it, I can't do one thing for myself. The only thing I've managed to do was to hurt myself even more.
As much as I'm running from him, as much as I want to escape the death grip the memories hold on me, as much as I want to get out of this town, as much as I want to get away from this school, there's one more thing I'm running from even more.
Myself.
And when I am not alone with myself, I'm alright, but when I'm alone, the only thing I want to do is try to get rid of the part of me that makes me a failure at everything I do. I just want to grab hold of whatever is in me that inhibits me, and cut it out and throw it away.
But how in the world do you run when you're running from yourself?
How in the world do you escape from the very thing you can't?
No comments:
Post a Comment