Sad.

I am so sad.

Chaos.

I want to do something crazy. I want chaos. I want to go running through the streets screaming in exhilaration. I want to go get the tattoo I've wanted for a while now RIGHT NOW and show it off to the world. I want to get my ears pierced, I want to get a killer tan, I want to dress up like I'm some runway model, I want to flirt with boys, I want to shake up this world, I want to climb a mountain in bare feet, I want to jump out of a plane and scream my way down until my parachute opens and everything around me is bigger than I thought because as humans we forget, we forget how big this world is.
Some idiots thought they could make the world tangible. Like we can mold it to exactly how we want it. No. We can't.
I want to scream and dance. Stand on a tall building rooftop and scream. If it were up to me, I'd take all the depressed people and we'd all party. And nobody would hide their scars or anything.
I'm rambling.
I just want chaos.
I just want to release and explode the pure exhilaration inside of my bones.
I want to shake out all of the energy that is surging through me; I want to scream and run and fly, and I feel like running up a mountain. I want a rush. I want to feel on the edge of life; I want to feel alive. Really truly alive.

It went like this.

My mom talked to me about things last night. She said a lot of things, but mostly what I said was:
"You don't understand."
And then I said "I love him."
and she goes...
"Oh. I didn't know."
and she looked sad. she looked hurt. she said, "you're in love with him?"
I said "It doesn't matter what love you're talking about. Just all kinds of love. I'm not just in love with him, it's not just like that. I just love him."
I don't know if she knew what to say to that.
And now it looks like I have a B in my class.
and I feel like a failure.
and there's also something nagging in me that says "You aren't as smart as him."
and it's not fair. it's just not fair.

Sometimes stupidity wins.

Well. Did I give in? Maybe you could say that.
Do I regret it? I think.
How do I feel? Crazy and insane.
What do I want? Someone to understand. Someone to tell me that I'm not crazy, and mean it. Someone to tell me that i'm not crazy without me having to tell them to.

Things are better. Sort of.

I won't lie, I'm feeling better even though I sincerely thought I wouldn't.
But I won't lie about the fact that it's still really hard, too. I'm not giving in, not returning his emails, not accepting his friend requests. And although I know it's the right thing to do, and I'm feeling happier lately, it's still like a punch to the heart whenever I ignore him and whenever I turn away. My other friend just was broken up with by her boyfriend, and she's going through a tough time, and it's awful hearing her going through so much pain. Also, her pain reminds me of my own pain. So while things are better, they still, umm, aren't. Also because I'm still witnessing another friend's abuse in her family. I'm working on something for that. It was an impulsive decision, actually, but I'm not angry that I made it. In fact, I think I should have made it long ago.
Not to say I'm not scared to death about what the results may be. I'm petrified. And I'm worried about my friend being away from me. But her safety and mental health and even physical health mean a lot to me, and being away from her would be worth it if she were to find happiness and peace in her chaotic life.
You can be a strong Christian with incredible faith and still be lost.
You can be all about God and still doing some of the worst things.
If he emails me again, I'm going to have to say something... but I'd rather tell him in person that I need a lot of time and that the next time we talk, if we do, should be on my terms. I don't like to think "if we do".
My friend's birthday is tomorrow. I'm excited. Love the girl. If I could buy her the world, I would.

My Thought Process.

Let's take a look at what goes through my head for a minute. I'm just going to type what I think.

The people around the room don't know anything about my life and if they did would it matter, would they care, am I ever going to find a guy that loves me, or am I unloveable, I hope he knows he isn't unloveable, my goodness I love him, why am I so stupid, I'm an idiot for ever trying to help, this is ridiculous, my friends don't understand, I love Jasmine, I don't want to think about God, I'm tired of people throwing God in my face and expecting me to be fine with my circumstances, they expect me to just deal with the pain and not lash out, I want to break things, I want to crush things, I was supposed to not write about him for a week and I forgot and so I did start writing, why did I forget, why am I so stupid, this is terrible, I helped someone and this is what I get, nobody can see my pain either, they can't even see my pain they just hear of it and don't really believe it hurts that much but it hurts like hell and I don't know what to do about it and this is what I think and nobody gets it and everybody is all in their own little lives and I just want a break from mine, I just want to lay in bed for a whole week, I just want to go somewhere where people care, I just want to go somewhere where people can help me, what am I nuts, I don't want to go to the psych ward, he went there and got his necklace there, oh shit I forgot it, I have to give it back to Jasmine and I forgot it, I wanted it out, but did I really, if i had it I wouldn't want to give it away, but I don't have it and I do, I'm so caught in between wanting to stay and go. stay away from me, come back, omg erin make up your mind, I'm going absolutely crazy inside of my head.

I can barely function at school.
I hate this so much.

I wish I could still wish it was over.

I wish I could still be wishing that it was over, instead of dying inside.
As if it was better when I was pinned down, and now that I'm free, I don't want to be. It's laughable. It's crazy. It's just the way that I feel.

One reason why people cut.

Now, I don't cut myself.
But I understand completely one specific reason why they do.
see, here's the thing, it's like, if you get physically hurt? everyone can tell. people are able to see a cast, a scar, crutches, a bandage.
but they can't see the inner wounds, and sometimes you wish they could, or even that you YOURSELF could.
sometimes I look in the mirror for a sign of what's going on underneath but I can't physically see it.
and you wish it was something tangible, a wound you could heal.
but it's like, you can't bandage a heart. you can't fix it with tools, or even glue the pieces back together. it's inside, and you can't just fix it like that. it's those things you can fix, those outside wounds, they make you jealous, they make you angry that you can't see how to connect things, that it's all just something that you can't SEE.
I understand that. wanting to be able to see your pain.
that's one reason why people cut themselves.
they think people will take them more seriously, and they do.
and it's heartbreaking that it has to get to that point until people start caring.
they''ll think, "If you aren't cutting yourself it can't hurt that bad."
WRONG. It can.
and the person can manifest their emotional pain into something tangible.
people will say, there are no cuts, no brusies, how can it hurt that bad? when in reality, it hurts like a hellish pain, like something indescribable. but in order to be taken seriously, often people have to be able to see it. to write it across their arms or legs, to show someone, these are my scars. the ones you can see. they reflect what's inside. this is how I've been cut inside, but the only way to show you is to cut myself outside.

:l

this is emotional hell.

here's the thing: if staying is wrong, I'm not sure I want to be right.

I deleted the message he sent me.

I had a dream last night. It was really weird. He came to my house in his car with his sister and told me to get in and I did, and I sat in the back with his sister. and she was smiling at me and I was like, "What?" and HE answered "Oh, nothing. Nothing." Then he dropped his sister off at this building called Penn Dot or whatever, it was like a hotel or something, and she was going to eat lunch with her mom there. and then I got out with her and she said goodbye... I wasn't going with her, I was left with her brother... and when I got back in the car he told me to get in the front. I was like, "oh. okay." and when I was getting in I noticed that there were a bunch of people surrounding the car, staring, and I was like, "why are they all staring at us?" he didn't answer, we just got in and drove away, and I was starting to wonder where we were going, but then I woke up. I wanted to go back to it, wanted to know where we were going. But I guess it didn't matter.

The phrase, "It gets harder every day" is so true and nobody understands. They all expect me to be getting better, well news flash, it's just getting worse. They all ask if I'm better, if I'm feeling any better about it... no! I'm not! I'm feeling worse every day! Gosh, I'm sick and tired of people not understanding crap about how I feel. Like it literally feels like a huge hollow space in my chest, like some empty space, it actually FEELS that way!

I hate it.

I'm not sure I can do this.

You...

You were an island no one would dare to tread upon. I came in like the wise men and asked you to take my gift of love.

THE WEEK JUST GETS BETTER.

I might have lost my glasses.

God hates me.

defeated.

I'm defeated.
People can tell.
Even teachers.
They all say I'm not myself.
I walk around with no desire to do anything.
My heart aches as though an unbearably heavy weight has been put on it.
And there's nowhere I can go. Nothing I can do. To make the pain go away.
I have no options here. I am sitting in hurt and people tell me that somehow I'm going to have to sit here until it stops hurting.
That somehow, someday, it won't hurt me anymore, and I'll be happy again. Really happy, again.
How?
How can I even wait when this pain is so harsh and cruel that I have become zombielike, randomly bursting into tears throughout the day?

Dead.

I can barely move or talk. I have no energy.
I am being ripped apart inside. If it weren't for me feeling sad, I would feel dead.
Is that what depression is like? Feeling dead?
Is that how it was for him?
I wouldn't be able to stand it.
I can't imagine feeling that way... feeling not alive but dead.
Is that how he felt all the time?
I feel like I might cry more.
I just feel like sleeping for a really long time.

What can I do?

What can I do? Honestly, I have no idea anymore. I feel like I looked at his emptiness and poured myself into him, and that I've lost so much energy and just I feel pale and I feel more tired and l feel dragged down. I wish I never met him, But then I never would have met his sister. It wasn't worth it trying to help him, but wasn't it? and didn't I help the rest of the family? Those are the thought that I'm dealing with, but I'm so tired and so weak and I'm just breaking under this pressure.
And I keep telling myself, "Don't think! Don't freaking think! Because when you think you realize just how screwed up everthing really is. You realize you don't know how you got where you are, You don't know where you're going, And you don't know what to do anymore!!!!!!"
And I can't even cry to him. Can't even say anything to him because he doesn't understand and there's just NOTHING I CAN DO!

Come after me.

Someone needs to come after me when I run away. Not give up on me, like, try it sometime. Someone needs to stick around. Ugh. School will bring me so much more stress and honestly I don't even know if I can take it at this point. This was the year my sister started getting depressed, and I don't want to follow in her footsteps. If you're reading this maybe you're thinking "Then don't follow in her footsteps?", but it's just not that easy, I'm so desperately afraid of spinning out of control and falling down the rabbit hole. Someone help me. God has helped me, but I feel like this is one of those situations where you need human help too. Like this is a trial God has given me where I need lots of help in lots of directions.

Dear you.

I won't name your name, because there's no need to. If you are that person, you know I'm talking to you right now. I'm very angry with you. I'm just so angry.

Stay.

I can't say this to your face, but stay. Please stay, and don't leave. I'm giving you the choice. I'm trying to move on. But I want you to stay. Please don't leave me...
I have God. More than I ever have, now. He calms me even as I write this. Like, it's weird how it happens. And I love having God on my side. I just want you there too... I want you to stay with me. You asked if I could handle it if you didn't talk to me again. I said yes. Because I could survive. I could get through it.
But don't you get it? I don't WANT to have to get through it. I don't want to make it through that, because I don't want to have to... I know I would survive, but I don't want to have to survive without you in my life. It's not a sense of needing you to survive anymore, but it's a sense of wanting you there with me. A sense of just wanting you in my life...

My life is ridiculous.

LOL, There's a Jung personality test that usually tells people their personality types, and I always get two different results: ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) and ENFP (Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving). I'm both the performer and the inspirer. See, my personality is so different not even the number one personality test in the world can figure it out exactly. lol. you just can't define me and my personality.
I'm kind of hilarious. I sit here like "oh blah blah you won't answer me you're pathetic" but like at the same time it's like "wow erin YOU'RE pathetic, geez, shut up and chill about it, you're so pathetic ugh."
well, three more days.
I only slept three and a half hours last night, and have not taken a nap today, and guess what?
I'm too anxious/excited/nervous/ridiculous about everything to sleep right now.
I have a mosquito bite on my cheek, but hey, it happens.
LOL, so I'm going to do a daily journal when I go to Vermont on my youth group's mission trip next week. I'm gonna take lots of pictures too. Maybe I'll put it all up on here when I get back! :D
Okay maybe I am getting tired. But... how am I supposed to sleep?
I just... I don't know.
Goodbye people, I've got to go to sleep!

Being an Empath.

I am an empath, and if you don't know what that means, it basically means I can literally feel others' emotional pain and take on their problems as my own, and will empathize with damn near anybody even when I don't want to.
I was searching around for people like me. I mean, not many people understand, and by not many, I mean it. Counselors, youth leaders, teachers, good friends... I just feel deeper. And I found something that is SO TRUE that it hurts.

"This is a tragically sad truth, but empaths (who have a deeper understanding, sense, and capacity of and for love) more often than not, have the damndest time finding someone who can love them. They can love SOOOOOOOO deeply and so quickly, that they scare the other person off - sometimes even being accused of being obsessive or having fake feelings. These feelings are not fake, but it COULD be called obsessive behavior. This is because an empath (by their gift) can cut down the amount of time it takes to know someone emotionally, mentally, and spirtually... FROM years, TO weeks or days or yes... even hours. That being said, it can be (to an empath, anyway) like they've known and loved you for years... so would it be so wrong to be obsessive over someone you've known and loved for THAT long? But the truth still stands as their (in my personal opinion and experience) biggest weakness. Empaths are often times doomed to be able to do all they want, EXCEPT, what they need (and want) to do the MOST... which is simply to be with someone who can not only accept them for who they are (hard enough, sometimes), but also to be able to return that which empaths command with un-equaled grace and ease... love."

Hits the nail on the fricken' head. Oh, man.
But now listen. I don't like going around with this label, like, "Oh, I'm an Empath, I'm all cool and stuff and better than you." Sometimes I even get mad at myself whenever I say how much I like helping people and how happy it makes me to help others and make them happy. I feel like I seem fake, or even that I'm coming off fake, because it sounds it... but I'm not. I truly do feel that way.
And no, I don't think I'm some sort of psychic freak, either, like some websites say. It's not some magic thing, it's just me, I don't know. I'm not claiming to have magic powers.
It's so hard.

WOAH, BABY, IT'S RANTING TIME!

My dad, omg, my dad.
The subject of the type of guy I'm attracted to came up between me and my mom and my dad was there, and I said "I'm not racist, but I don't find myself attracted to black people. Half-black people I can be, though."
My dad was like. "Oh, see, I'm fine with you being attracted to a half-black person. As long as they aren't in my family."
I just like flipped out. I was like "Oh, so you wouldn't want me marrying a half-black person? You're racist!" and he's like "Yeah, I am. But I'll probably be dead by the time you get married anyway." (my dad's really positive and optimistic like that)
and I'm like "Even if you are alive, it's not your decision anyway, and I don't care if that would disappoint you, it shouldn't anyway."
And I just kinda left the room.
My dad has really screwed up values and opinions.
I don't understand how he can be so rude. Gee, Dad, sorry everybody can't be perfect like you... sarcasm greatly expressed there.

I would just like to say...

that pushing me away only makes me step forward again and ignoring me only makes me more determined to help.
in the end you will thank me. for now, I will not stop trying.

Uhhhh.....

I can't eat. I don't have an appetite and whenever I eat I feal nauseaous.
I can't sleep either.
Went to bed at 11:30. Woke up at 5. My eyes feel like weights. My neck is stiff.
I can barely function.
I'm so tired.
What is wrong with me?

Today...

Today was interesting, to say the least.
I went to the mall with two friends, a boy and a girl, and the boy kept teasing me. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously.
Well, he doesn't.
And then... that conversation... I blew up... I just...
well, I just don't know anymore.
how much more can I take?
should I walk away?

Oh man.

this conversation is disturbing. it shouldn't have to be had.

In my last post...

I forgot to mention how much it TERRIFIED me that he might want to stay rock hard for life.
Can that even happen?

It's the waiting that I hate.

It's the waiting that will kill you, really. The wondering, the pacing back and forth (which actually does happen at really desperate times), and the checking of the emails, the tap tap tapping of your fingers on a desk while you try to keep composure.
The boredom does it, too. The standstill. The rush hurts, also. Maybe stabs more sharp, but the boredom... it just hits deep. It may not be so sharp, but it's deeper. It crowds around you and drives you insane.
Plans are changing, people are leaving...
Is it so wrong that I long just to be in his arms again? That I want the warmth, want them wrapped around me, only the last time, there wasn't really warmth. I wonder if there is now. How things have improved. Ahh, the situation has not. Oh no, it's escalated to a full-on tragedy. But himself, could he possibly be getting better? Or is he getting worse? Or is it still? Is he rock hard for life?
Is he trying to make himself inpenetrable? Impossible to smash open and let everything come flooding out?
I started out trying to save him. I wanted him to save me too...
The rest of my life is like a novel, with twists and turns, so I guess I figured, why can't I fall in love, too? Why can't we help each other?
Even when you expect craziness, it still doesn't turn out how you expect in this life.
Crazy, really.
I just want somebody to hug me.

Worried, again.

Me and my mom went to a midnight move last night to see Eclipse. We got back at 3.
I woke up and she was gone, saying she had gone to a couple stores and would be back soon. She left so early. How could she get up that early after last night? She probably got in a fight with my dad. I bet that's it.
I feel sick. I don't know if it's from all the candy I ate in the middle of the night last night, or if it's because I'm so worried about my mom right now, or if it's because of everything that's been happening in the past week, and the hopelessness of it all. I'm aware that I shouldn't be so worried about my mom, that it's not "normal" to feel such a sense of fear over something like this, but it's been instilled in me through past experiences, and I don't know how to just not worry.
Oh, dear Lord. I just got a 12 paragraph email that will make my brain hurt a little bit...
ihfsih. I guess I'll answer it.

UGHHAIHDIHNSISFNHSD

UGH I'M SO MAD AT HIM WHY IS HE SO STUPID HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT
JERKFACE JERKFACE JERKFACE JERKFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great birthday.

I had an amazing 16th birthday. I really did. And I didn't let things bother me when they could have. Not counting for like two hours last night.
See, the thing is, it doesn't hurt so bad all the time. It comes in segments. Like randomly, it will hurt. Like hell. I guess... well, I don't guess anything. LOL no I actually guess everything which I shouldn't.
What a jerk, though, seriously. Sob story or not. We all have a sob story. Well let me tell you what I've learned: that's no excuse. And at first you may find that unfair. But then you learn by yourself that it's no excuse, because it's not.
Of course, I'll empathize with ya! hahahahaha
Ha, in the past week alone 3 different people cried to me.
3. different. people.
And I mended a friendship for two people.
And I stayed up till 3 listening to a friend talk.
I've been called Superwoman. A hero. The female knight in shining armor, riding in to save the day. And yet God just gives me more strength every day, I don't even understand it, I'm amazed. It just keeps getting harder, these situations, but it's weird, because while they just keep getting harder, God keeps making me stronger, and... weird enough... in a way... in a weird way I'm more... like kind of happy. Kind of.
I feel weird saying that i'm getting happier as a person through all of this.
But it's opening my eyes. I get happy so easily.
Seriously, my gosh, I'll be bawling my eyes out.
But then just take me outside and I'll look at the sky and all of a sudden I'm dancing around, singing and I'm cheering everyone up. It's just something I do. I cheer people up, I empathize, ahh, it's just something I do. Last night one of my friends told me I was the most caring person they've ever met in their whole entire life.
Like, what do I say to that? I agree, but I don't want to seem like I'm full of myself.
Which is ironic, because I'm very unselfish.
It aches a bit today. Yet like, I can't bring myself not to laugh and smile. And not to make others laugh and smile.
Thank God for resilience. Thank God for my strength

It HURTS.

This pain HURTS.
I want it GONE!!!!!!

This pain is heart-wrenching and stabbing and twisting and turning and breaking and crushing and destroying and awful and terrible and scary and hurtful and deadly and murderous. I didn't think the pain would be quite so... consuming. So monstrous. I don't want to be going through this. I don't. I'm hurt. To the very core, I'm hurt.
I want to get angry at him. I want to stare him down and yell in his face and ask him why it can't just work out. And why does it seem that I'm such a hard person to love?
I'm difficult, I know. I'm really picky over everything, even stupid stuff. Well, especially stupid stuff. I argue a lot about the most trivial things and I say things that I shouldn't, and I can be really weird, and I can't stand it when someone makes a mess of my stuff, and I'm really hard on myself and I put a lot of pressure on people to not make stupid mistakes. And I can never just shut up. And I always need music, and I'm constantly singing, and I'm frustrating, I'm frustrating because I'm so indecisive and can never just make up my mind, and I'm always caught between saying my feelings and keeping them in.
But I thought that it would be one of those things where like... people love you anyways. Where people look at your flaws and your imperfections and they fall in love with them, they accept them, they laugh at them and welcome them.
But it's not that. People don't just love me like I need to be loved. I'm so busy giving out love and I'm not getting any in return. I'm loving with my whole heart, I'm hurting for everyone else around me, but it seems that nobody will love me with their whole heart, with all that they have, that they can't see that I need, and I mean REALLY need, to be loved. And I just keep on asking why, why can't you love me, why can't anybody love me? Just love me... just take me away from everything like I try to take you away. I don't know how I'm going to do my homework, and classwork in general. I just don't know. I don't think I even care. No, I don't even care. I just... I just want to cry... I just want to cry... oh please come on this just sucks and it isn't fair at all. It's not fair. It's awful. I can't describe it. I can't think of any words that will do this pain justice. And I'm sick of people trying to tell me that I shouldn't be so sad. Or people making light of it, no, stop it, you can't just make light of it, and you can't tell me you know exactly how I feel, because this is my pain, my pain! Not your pain! You can't feel the stabs in my chest right now. You can try to make light of it, try to joke about it, try to tell me you understand, but DON'T. Don't do that. Just let me cry. And hold me. Hold me while I cry. I can't do this alone. Let me yell at you. Let me scream at you and then come to me and hold me and let me cry in your arms. Please dear Lord, tell me why he can't just love me. Why is there nobody who can just love me?!?!

Up to you.

He looks in my eyes
As if he can hear my thoughts
A smile breaks out

Longing to touch him
I struggle to stay seated
As he walks away

Please don’t leave me here
We could be so beautiful
Walking hand in hand

Please just kiss me now
And tell me you will be back
To take me away

Such a silly girl
Fell in love with disaster
And said she’d be fine

It’s something scary
Loving with no assurance
That you will be loved

Unrequited love
A beautiful kind of pain
Smile as you break

Don’t know how he feels
But you can feel something there
In the shared quiet

Electric currents
They flow between us now
and I step closer

I reach for your arm
Tell myself now or never
It’s time to find out

Break me or love me
It is all up to you now
Go ahead and shoot

Hmm.

I thought the feelings were one-sided. Now I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm 80% certain that they are not one-sided, and that the feelings are mutual. That wasn't just a friendly thing... friends don't act like that...
I want to write what happened. To be honest, it's hard for me to believe what happened...
my heart is going AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA GIDDY GIDDY GIDDY GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D
omg...
hahahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhaha

OMG. LAST NIGHT. OMG.

AND ALL OF YESTERDAY.
OMG.
GOD IS WORKING A MIRACLE.
AND I'M THE MOST CONFUSED PERSON ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW.

My Western Civ teacher is mean.

I missed the middle of a movie and only saw the beginning,
And he's making me watch the ending.
Lemme tell you, it's not gonna happen.
I'm talking to the principal, gonna start a riot. I have OCD, if I watch this movie out of order, I'll freak.
Ahhhhh.
I have homework to do.
May 27th.
I want school to end, but when school ends, that means something else too and I don't want that something else to happen.
God be with me.
I'm wearing my cross necklace today. :)

I can't function today.

I came to school today and honestly couldn't even function. I had to make a speech for running for class president, and I just started thinking about how stupid some people can be and the bad choices they make, and I just got so angry. I went to my school counselor and yelled about it, then went back to class. But now I'm angry again. I went to the nurse because I just felt so sad and couldn't concentrate. Couldn't function.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I shouldn't be at school right now. I want to go home and roll up in my covers and cry for hours. I want someone to hold me. I want someone to say they love me, someone who doesn't have to love me. Someone who wants to. I want to be able to pray to God more. I want to be happy. I want him to feel. I want him to cry.
I don't know how to describe my pain. I don't know any words that would do it justice right now. I just know that I am being completely overcome by heart-wrenching sadness. I don't want to become depressed like my sister.
My gosh, I just love that boy. And he doesn't love me. Would he miss me if I left? Do I mean anything to him? My gosh, these answers should be obvious! He'd be devastated if I left; it would be yet another person who betrayed him. And of course I mean something to him. Whether he wants to admit it or not. My earphones are in and the music is turned up so loud that it almost hurts. But anything to get my mind off of everything else. Almost anything, I mean. I don't want to die. Even though it feels like this pain alone could kill me.
The song "I Don't Want To Be In Love" by Good Charlotte just came on. That's really cruel irony. I DON'T want to be in love. Okay, that's a lie. What I really don't want is to be in love alone.
AAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO!
I WANT TO SCREAM!
THIS ISN'T FAIR. I'M ANGRY AT GOD.
God, why?!?!?! Why does he have to go through this, and why did I have to fall in love with him?!?!?! This isn't fair! God, please. Please have mercy on them, have mercy on me, send a miracle that will change everything, PLEASE!
Take this pain away... I've always been told to give all my troubles to you. So go ahead, take them. Take them from me, take them off of my shoulers, I'm giving them to you, so here, take them.

That was weird. Suddenly I'm not as upset. I'm not kidding. Suddenly the ache is fading. This is weird.
Well, thanks, God.
Really.
Wow.
I'm kind of shocked. I'm kind of shocked at how I just asked for strength, and it was given to me.
What I have to work on is letting God figure out the rest of the situation. To let what's meant to happen happen. To not worry. To not try to save everybody and to not try to rescue everything and everyone all by myself. I have to let God do that.
It's as if in order to get me through the day, He calmed me and took some of the pain away.
Wow. I seriously just experienced something incredible...
I feel much better now...
:/
hmm.
fine with me.
God kinda rocks.
Seriously, wow. I can't explain it, just... I feel like I was just filled with God's love! Wow wow wow. As I type, I'm becoming stronger. Literally, I'm completely like wow right now. I feel stronger. Much stronger.
I have been saved by God time and time again.
He has saved me time and time again. He will never give up on me.
I can never... No, I will never give up on Him. I won't give up on this life He has given me. He has great plans for me. And even though I have no idea how my mood has suddenly turned around, I can say that I am quite excited to see what these plans are.

Great. I have a C in Math.

Seriously? Is this really happening right now?

I'm looking at you through the glass...

It feels like I'm looking at you through glass. Watching everything go on, and my hands, my nose, my arms and legs are pressed up against this glass, and I can see everything going on, and I just can't stop it. I'm banging on the glass trying to get your attention, and it's just not working.
I have to pray. That's the only way I'll get through this. Today I've got school, an essay to type... it's all just so hard to do when your mind is somewhere else. I just didn't want to make the effort of getting out of bed today. My grades are becoming less important to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to work really hard so I can get into a good college. I already have my choices picked out, and the order that I'm going to apply for them.
1. New York University
2. Berkely, CA
3. Penn
4. Pepperdine University
Yeah, I know, ambitious, right? Well what's the point of playing it safe when taking chances in life? You can't really play it safe in life, because you truly never know what will happen. I sure have learned that.
I guess one thing that really makes me feel better is knowing that I'm not going to be left alone in my pain, and that there are a lot of people who are going to be here for me during this. And finally, my feelings have been validated. I have to been told that I have a right to be angry, that I have a right to be hurt, to cry, to scream, to yell, to be upset. I now also have the validation that I am playing a role in this, that I really am making an impact and am a part of everything. I've been feeling like, you know, someone not important lately, someone who isn't really doing anything for him. It's nice to hear that I'm wrong about that. It really is.
Of course I wonder if he ever thinks of me from time to time, when I'm not there. I know the answer is probably a no. But I still think of him. And I still will think of him.
And to be honest, right now one of my biggest concerns is getting through this day, this week, these school days. I'm having a lot of trouble. I don't like the people at my school. Not at all. I like the people in youth group and the leaders and I like a few select friends who go to my school and some people from other schools. But nobody here really gets it, really completely understands. They don't know what's going on in my life. Frankly, the ignorance and selfishness of people really just disgusts me.
At least I've finally said it out loud, though. Finally admitted it. It was like a dam breaking free, like something was released from me that was struggling to get out. I love him. And that's a very dangerous thing, especially in this situation. But I love him, and I can't just turn that off. I guess there's something frighteningly beautiful about heartbreak: the ability to love and to care, and loving with all you have, and opening yourself up and being real, with no promise of being loved back. To love with all your heart to the point where like me, you're sitting in a chair at school with a literal ache in your chest, and you know are not guaranteed of being loved back, but to keep loving anyway. A scary kind of beautiful.
So to the boy who won't read this, I love you. And I'm scared. And it's going to hurt and I'm going to be in pain. But guess what? I'm going to love you anyway. I'm going to love you anyway.

Waiting... waiting.... waiting...

I'm just waiting for the bell to ring so I can go home and check my email and rest assured that my plans are not canceled.
ahdunfus.
if they are, I'm going to continue writing a letter I started writing yesterday. I was up till 11 writing, and could have stayed up all night, but I knew I needed my sleep.
Sometimes writing letters on paper really helps you to reflect and makes it easier to pour your heart out.
I really hope my plans are still intact.
hyhfvudfvdfu.
I'm looking forward to a dance I'm going to on Friday. I'm going to see how many boys I've rejected grinding with by the end of the night, and considering the fact that the dance is a mixer with kids from a bunch of different schools, and there will be 1000+ teenagers there, mostly boys (because the school hosting the mixer is an all boys school), then I'm pretty sure I'm going to be telling a lot of people "No." And I'm going to love it. haha. :p
I love saying no to people. I don't say it a lot. When I can, it's like taking a bite of a delectable dessert that I've been craving for a while.
It's really a wonderful day outside today. I think it's very incredible, how beautiful the sky and the sun is.

Ew, ew, ew, it's Tuesday...

This is disgusting.
Ugh.

I hate Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays will be the death of me if nothing else is.
I don't do anything on those days, and honestly like I can't take them. Not at all. Today's Monday, so I have service club after school. Thursday, go over to a friend's and then go to youth group. Friday and Saturday I usually always have plans, Sunday is Church, then back to Monday's service club, but Tuesdays and Wednesdays? Ugh, disgusting. Gross gross gross gross.
I haven't been going over to this one friend's house all that much though and I used to go twice a week, but now things are getting more hectic over there I think.
You know, that's just what we need right now, something else bad to happen with that situation... but it did, because that's life.
I am aware that I have a problem. It's called "Hey, yeah, I have to see this person or else I'll freak out and the only reason for that is because there's not much time left before I can't see this person oh and guess what I have a crush on this person oh and guess what else it will never work out".
Yeah, that's what I have.
Okay, hold on a second, who's to say it will never work out? Couldn't anything happen? I mean seriously, can't anything happen... can't it be possible? Haha, look at me, falling in love with disaster again. It's as if I love this pain, as if I enjoy the ache in my heart, as if I'm not myself unless I'm a sad, sad song. (yeah okay some of that was lyrics I won't lie)
Honestly I made such a stupid decision the other day, like what is my problem?
Seriously, what the hell is my problem? Why the hell did I do that? I... am... such a stupid person to do what I did, like honestly I'm dumb as hell to do that. Not planning on doing it again, ever. It will only lead me down like the darkest path that there is. So I'm turning around. I've come to the entrance to that dark forest, and I am shaking my head no, turning around, and walking away.
You know what a lot of people don't know about me? I'm scared to death of people leaving me and forgetting about me. Ha, it's kind of funny how someone may be afraid of me leaving them when really I'm afraid of them leaving me.
Listen, I'm not depressed, and I'm not sad all the time. In fact, I'm usually pretty happy a lot of the time, and I want people to know that when I write this stuff it's not that at the moment I'm really sad or that I'm depressed, it's just that I need an outlet, and this is where I can go to let those feelings out.

I keep wanting to use the word love but I really don't know, and I really don't want to make that promise or commitment at this time, it would destroy me.
Well. I mean.
I'll look at the positives.
At least we've got ice cream at home.

I wonder...

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how they smart they were when they were 15. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day and how they are able to cope with having 3 quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heartbreaking. And wondering why.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Last night was great. :)

Last night I went out to ice cream with a few friends after youth group. It was really a lot of fun. Me, Renee, Jasmine, Paul, JP, and a boy named Zack were there. I usually don't quite enjoy Zack, but he wasn't so bad last night. JP's nice. Renee and Jasmine are two of my best friends, and Paul is hilarious. So it was a good time. :) Even though I did get some bad news.
The news wasn't too bad. I mean, okay, it's not what anybody would want to hear, definitely not, however it's not something that needs to tear me apart.
I've never been good at people leaving me. I myself have kind of an issue about being afraid that people are going to leave me or stop talking to me or just give up on me or desert me and forget about me.
I was recently told from someone that they weren't going to leave me. But I mean, aren't they? I don't know.
I guess instead of thinking about it, I'll just enjoy my time with them, and I'll hope it will last. They did promise, anyway. And I think that in this case I can trust them.
The people in my school annoy me to pieces sometimes. I wonder what goes through people's heads these days. Some people probably just think about clothes and their next boyfriend and the material things they want and all that crap that doesn't even matter. Personally, bahh. I'd rather do something with my life, take a risk, go on an adventure. This summer is going to change things in my life so much... I can feel it. It's kind of scary. I just have this extremely strong hunch that things are really going to change in some kind of way...
I wonder what it's like to fall in love with someone else. Like, you know, fall in love together. I wonder what that's like, how it feels. It must be pretty amazing. It really must be.
Tonight I'm having Renee sleep over.
We're going to eat our feelings together.
It's going to be great.
:)
Well, ciao for now, I guess!

Wow, Erin, you're smart... and my testimony, shortened beyond belief.

Sometimes I say things that I shouldn't say in front of certain people. Like what I said two minutes ago in front of this one boy in my class. I don't know why the heck it didn't occur to me that shutting up would have been a brilliant idea, but I really just can't believe I did that... ugh. Wow.
Youth group is tonight, but it's going to be cut short because some of the leaders are going off to Vermont to prepare for Serve, a high school trip during the summer where we serve in Vermont, helping with things from churches to daycares. Of course, this will be my first year, so I can't really say "we" yet. I got so distant from that church. When I was younger I used to ask to stay home from church, but now I go even though my parents don't.
I was like... 10 when I started going to church there. I didn't really understand what I was there for, or what I was learning, really. I was a little ball of energy. I seemed soooo happy all the time. Then when I was like 11 I started getting all ughhghg and disgustingly not happy at all, and I started going less. When I was 12 and 13 I would sometimes go to youth group and everything, but rarely to church in the morning. And I'd do the lock-ins, but I was so lost. I wasn't happy at all. I don't think I realized it at the time. I don't think anybody noticed that things were different. I was still really hyper and would laugh all the time, so people probably just thought I was the same old Erin. Truth be told, people get surprised when I tell them that I've been struggling, or even that I'm really upset lately or something like that. They're usually like, "you? you're upset? but you're always laughing. you seem so carefree and happy." I guess it's easy for me to be temporarily really happy. I don't let things keep me from living a fun, adventurous life, I guess. However, that means under not circumstances that I don't have any problems. Because believe me, I have a lot of problems.
Anyways, 14 years old... well I mean, I was basically at the point where I was beginning to not care at all. I was like "what's the point?" I had a lot of friends, and looking back, I can see that I thought my life was pretty good, that's just what it was. It was pretty good, okay, or terrible. There was something missing, and over the summer, as the school year approached for the 10th grade, I realized there was something that was making me feel empty. I went to everything I could to feel something, everything but things that were self-destructive. I reached the point where I might have done something self-destructive, but then finally, after everything else, I looked to God. And I saw my life change in the next couple of weeks in a way that I didn't know it could. Suddenly hope was renewed, a sense of peace was brought into my days, and my faith in God was restored. It was quite magical. I was shocked by just how obvious the change was. Early November of 2009 was the month I truly accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and let Him into my heart and let Him fill up my life with something meaningful.
That's the extremely short version of my testimony.
I would love to share my testimony with my youth group, and bring in the details. Tell of the struggles, say, "Listen, this is what happened. I could be lost right now, I could have given up. I could have looked somewhere else for an escape; drugs, drinking, sex, self-injury. But I didn't. I went to God. God is the reason that my life has a purpose, a meaning. I could have been so lost... could have done so many things I would have regret. But I didn't. Finally, I have found peace in God."
I want to say that. I want to share my story not for the sake of people saying "Wow, you went through all that, and you're so strong" but for the sake of me being able to say "I am a survivor. I have been saved by God's love for me. I am a believer, and I am going to be taken care of, because my life is in God's hands, and I truly believe that He is going to use me for something amazing, for I am letting Him use me, and I have faith that my life will have purpose and meaning, because I am living a life for Him."
So yeah. I want to do that.
If you read this, cool. If you didn't, doesn't matter.
I wrote this for myself. Every day is a journey of getting closer to God, and writing this helped me to realize my testimony even better.
However, of course I will finally realize my testimony to the highest extent when I can share every detail. I hope to do that soon.
Bye! :)

Answer my freaking question! Ugh.

So I sent someone an email asking them an important question and they won't get back to me and it's driving me up a freaking wall but I'm trying to distract myself. I watched a movie last night to get my mind off of things, it worked. I'm going to do the same today after school. I've just gotta, you know, get my mind on other things, keep in mind that I can't let something drive me so crazy.
It's kind of insane, how we let things take us and twist us the way they do. Like, can't you just forget things, Erin? Can't you just stop thinking about it?
Bahahahaha.
No.
No, I can't.
I'm aware that I'm pretty frustrating. Like, the people who I tell things to, and who I'll let know things going on in my life, well, they probably hate me half the time. I've got a lot of stuff going on, but hey, if you can't take all of me than you don't deserve any of me.
Audios for now.

It will never work out.

He's damaged, that's what I'm told. I know that. I just wish he wasn't. Why does he have to be damaged? Why can't I fix him? How am I supposed to concentrate in school when all I want to do is freak out and break down? It won't ever work out, I don't think. Ugh. See, this is me arguing with myself. It's like all the songs that I hear make so much sense to me. So much sense it's overwhelming, it's scary.
I'm afraid to let myself feel for this person because it will only hurt me in the end, I got that. Only, you know, it's not all that easy to just forget and to just say, okay, I'm over it. And besides, I'm not about to become yet another person who just deserts him. Only I can't help thinking that it's possible this isn't one-sided. In fact, I really don't think it's one-sided anymore. That's scary. It gives me hope, too, but I don't WANT it to give me hope, because then that hope will just be crushed.
I guess all along I knew this was going to happen, I knew that things were going to go deeper than they should go if I don't want my heart to get broken again. No, I don't necessarily mean romantic heartbreak, but heartbreak in general. I really don't think I can afford to get my heart broken again. I'm a pretty strong Christian, and I've prayed about this. God answered with quite a difficult answer: wait. But see, I'm having a really really really really hard time doing that.
If this feeling was one-sided, then why does it seem like for some reason there might be something not just on my side, but between us? And I'm starting to see something in his eyes; yeah, whatever, I know it sounds weird, but it's like I'm not just looking at someone so lost and depressed anymore, it's like there's something, some real piece of himself, peeking out, and I'm starting to see it. His eyes are becoming lighter. Less... empty, I guess? I know it sounds weird, but that's what it seems like. Like they're less empty, like something's coming back, and it's there between us...
I shouldn't expect anyone to understand. Because, honestly, I have a hard time understanding it all myself. I just need to let this out. I can't handle holding it in, it's suffocating me.

Wow, a lot has happened lately.

My life has been pretty crazy lately, for a high school girl's anyway. It seems like life is getting more and more ridiculous every day. I don't quite know how to describe things as they're going right now. I think people read this blog, so I can't say all that much anymore. But I will say this; In the past month, I have truly realized that everyone around us, everyone, has a problem and has something going on in their life that they'd rather not be happening. Depression, addiction, unrequited love, a broken home, a family torn apart by betrayal and secrets.
I wonder if it's possible to fall in love with the pieces of someone that you can see behind their depression. Not fall in love romantically, but fall in love as a friend, simply love those parts of them. Well, love all parts of them hiding behind the depression. It's hard to describe, hard to understand. I guess you'd have to be in the situation. I don't suggest you go getting yourself into this situation anytime soon. Although maybe it'd be a little easier for other people.
I am an over-empathetic person. There's a term for someone like me: an empath. Someone who feels others emotions and takes on other people's pain. Like, so, I'll sit there and cry for other people. I'll cry for other people's problems. And it's usually other people's; I don't cry for my own problems nearly as much. See, being an "empath" is both a blessing and a curse. I can help other people, and can be there for them as a true friend, and I'll do A LOT to help people out. But it's a curse because sometimes I'll neglect my own needs, and won't remember to worry about myself at the end of the day.
I'm trying to write a song for someone and play it on the guitar. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it. For them, and for me. They've kind of inspired me to really actually learn the guitar, you know? I mean, they're going through so much, and they just keep trudging on. If they can do that, then I can write and compose a song on the guitar.
I wish that people you care about knew that you really did care, you know? I wish this person knew that I truly want what's best for them, and that I think they're a beautiful person. I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish. Well, I'm going to do all that I can do for this person. Because I want to see them happy and smiling and laughing and I want them to let themselves be loved so bad. I want them to be happy SO SO bad. They deserve happiness. They really, truly do.

I feel awful.

I feel like death on a Wednesday morning. My head is bruised on the side because a dog tried to bite me, I'm exhausted, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, I'm thirsty, and I just plain feel like crap. Not a good day to have gym, right? Well, too bad, because I have gym. I just want to go home and have something really cold to drink. And I don't want to be tired anymore, because I want to have the energy to do the things I want to do. So I have to go for blood tests. I probably don't even have anything wrong with me, my body itself probably just sucks at life. That or I have a fatal disease and only have two more months left in me. I'm never eating again. Every time I eat I get a stomachache. Oh, and I used to rarely get headaches, but now I'm getting these short little headaches ever day or two. They're not severe, and I'm very thankful that they don't hurt that much, but it's weird, because I used to practically never get them. And I'm either too hot or too cold, barely ever comfortable. I wish that some doctor could just like magically make me feel good and healthy and strong and energized. I can't believe I'm wasting my time writing about how absolutely crap I feel, but I can't ignore it, it just sucks so much. I have to go to the bathroom now too because I didn't have time to go before school this morning. I woke up at 7 and came to school looking like a mess, but I can hardly find the energy to care. I could have come to school in pajamas and still felt the same way I do now. I have so much work to make up. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed. If there's nothing wrong with me right now, I'll give myself a stomach ulcer just from all the stress I'm under. Ugh. UGHHHH.

Sick and tired.

Sick sick sick sick sick. Tired tired tired tired tired tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And newsflash: I never really liked that boy Nick anyway. Thing is, if you ask any of my friends they’ll tell you that I’m always liking guys. But the truth is, if you ask me, that I don’t really like them, I’m just looking for someone to like. Because I don’t have anyone that I really like that way. See, it’s hard to go to school and see all the happy couples and everything when you’re alone, but it’s not just that. It’s the fact that I don’t even know anybody who I even would want to go out with. At least if I had someone I really liked, I wouldn’t feel so alone. But I don’t, really. Here’s a quick list of people I’ve liked. I bet that anybody who knows me is probably squirming in their seats right now, more than ready to laugh at what I’m about to say, but it’s not even that laughable. I don’t have this huge list of people I really liked, just a list of people I attempted to like to give myself some kind of distraction from other things.

Okay, let’s start with Kindergarten. Just because. I had this fake little boyfriend thing going on in kindergarten. Apparently it was adorable, but I don’t know.

Then in third grade I had a stupid little crush on this boy.

Fourth grade I had a crush on someone else. Little kid crush, though. I didn’t really like him the way you need to to consider it an honest-to-God crush.

Fifth grade I liked that boy again, but it wasn’t even like, real.

Sixth grade I had a couple stupid nonexistent crushes. I was basically just going from boy to boy; I was a little girl! Then I started liking this one boy at the end of the year who I liked for a while. Ehh, sixth grade wasn’t too good. But it was the year I started to change for the better.

Seventh-Summer before ninth grade: This kid named Brian. Everyone knows it, why even bother giving him a fake name? Yeah, I don’t know why. I liked him from the end of sixth grade to right before ninth, it was weird.

Ninth Grade – Nobody.

Summer – Met this kid and thought I liked him for about two weeks, then realized I didn’t.

Tenth Grade – “Liked” different guys. Not really, though.

Currently – Nobody.

I really just wrote this list for me, because I’ve been agitated about this for a while now. It’s really annoying. And right now I’m sick and can’t go home. This days sucks.

You know what else I hate? More than a lot else?

I hate when you start to forget. When you forget that you're having problems. But then you remember, and there's a pang in y our heart and the pain starts again. I hate that. Just when you start smiling and having a good time, you realize, oh... there's something awful happening. I forgot.

I hate that.

I have a lot of pet peeves, and I guess I’ve decided to write about that right now because I just experienced one of them. See, I’m in Creative Writing right now, and one of my pet peeves is when she gives us a story/journal starter, and it’s stupid. Like today: I’ve given myself a name I can’t pronounce.Like, what am I supposed to do with that? Yeah, I know that there are a lot of things you can do, but I don’t feel like going anywhere with that, thanks.So instead I’m going to list my pet peeves, just because I feel like it.

1. I hate sleeping in a bed that hasn’t been made. It bothers me to no end. Unless I’ve stayed in my pajamas all day; in that case, I’m fine with it being unmade.
2. Staying in my pajamas all day. I hate that.
3. Having a messy room in the morning and coming home after school to find it still messy. I don’t know why, but I always expect it to go through some sort of transformation when I’m gone.
4. When my brother doesn’t flush the toilet. It’s so easy to do.
5. When people post about how their bf is going to regret breaking up with them because they’re “sexy, and hey everyone, now I’m single, he made such a mistake, come show me the love I deserve, and be my baby” on their FB wall. I really don’t think the boy is going to regret breaking up with you more than he’s going to count his blessings that he got out of the relationship when he did.
6. Itches I can’t scratch. Damn, I hate that.
7. When I’m writing something and I’m on a roll and someone tells me to stop. No.
8. I hate odd numbers. I hate towels. I hate throwing up. I hate mushrooms. I hate feet.
9. I hate the fact that I have OCD instead of something awesomely cool like synesthesia, which means “crossing over of senses”, which basically means that you can see sounds. Like, if I closed a door, you would see swirls of red, or if I played a rock song, you would see a bunch of different colors for every different note, which is so cool! You can learn instruments better with it, too. There are other types, also. They’re just, like, all pretty freaking cool basically.
10. I hate when… ugh I just hate a lot of things. Shit. I need to end this now. My teacher’s staring at me. I hate that.

Wow. I'm so angry.

Today is one of those days where all I want to do is run away. I look out the window and the only thing I can think of is everything that is out there, and everything I haven’t seen or experienced. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing keep me here, drowning in my own freaking agitation. I woke up to something so pathetic, so stupid, and I’m simply tired of it all. I don’t know if anybody who knows me reads this blog, but if they do, here’s a dare for them: freaking prove to me that maybe there is something good about this place. Because I don’t see it. I want to leave, pack up all my stuff, run, take a train, hop on a plane, get a cab, I just want to leave and never come back. With the exception of my family and a few close friends, I wouldn’t miss much. I don’t think I would at all, really. There’s so much more than this. There’s so much more than these pathetic people who are turning into worthless people who will turn into just another person who does nothing with their lives. Nobody understands, I don’t think. I’ve been dreaming about leaving here forever. What do I have? Memories of happy times, but now, I mean, what do I have now? I go through the halls at school and go past the pool, the pool where I swam for years, and I think of earlier, simpler days. Except not even those days were very simple, because I was going through a lot of shit then, too.

I think I’m just really good at dealing with things. I think I’m great at not freaking out, not crying my eyes out, not slamming things and breaking things when that would be the normal response. It takes willpower not to scream and hit and kick and run out the door and just not come back. Sometimes it’s hard to even breathe in my house. Sometimes it’s hard to just do my homework and not sit there and listen to everything, not to strain to hear raised voices downstairs. I’m done with it! My goodness, there’s only so much somebody can take before they completely snap. Can’t someone just effing notice what the hell is wrong? I’m not depressed, I don’t want to die, I don’t hurt myself and could never imagine doing it, I don’t have bad grades, I don’t have no friends, I don’t have drinking, smoking, or drug habits, I’m not a slut, I’m not insecure. But I’m just… not okay with what is going on. I’m determined. I’m freaking angry. I’m angry, that’s what I am! I’m so mad at everything that’s happened! I’m mad at people for making mistakes that they could have avoided, I’m mad at people for arguing when they should just learn to get along! I’m angry at the people in my school for disappointing me, for conforming to what society has labeled them to be! I’m pissed off that nobody has any care anymore in this world! All they care about is themselves! Who has what clothes, who doesn’t, who got drunk, who’s invited to what party. Excuse my language, seriously, but grow the fuck up! Grow up! Stop fighting, stop arguing, get along! Don’t make stupid mistakes! I’m so angry. I don’t deserve to be going through what I’m going through, I really don’t. I’m being held down, like a broken dam, and like, there’s only so much time I can hold back until everything in me bursts through and explodes and rushes toward everyone and everything, and I freak out.

My parents, they tell me not to worry… it doesn’t affect me. Bullshit, it doesn’t effect me. You try trying to write about invertebrates while your background noise is everything you never want to hear people saying. Ha, funny how sometimes people blame themselves about one thing when it’s not their fault, and then they don’t even notice that maybe they’re doing something else that actually is their fault. Maybe they’re doing what they thought they were doing before. It’s like a movie set, like you walk on while they’re filming and they don’t even see you there, you’re just right behind the camera, watching a scene from a movie called Suburban Meltdown. I want to rewrite the script.

I’m writing this in school right now, in creative writing. I had to get some of this anger out. But I still have an enormous amount of rage just bubbling inside me, waiting to explode. I’m in a rut. I don’t even know which way to turn right now. I don’t know where to go, what to do, who to go to , what to say. I’m so completely trapped, and oh my goodness, I am SUFFOCATING. My gosh, I don’t even have something to think about to get my mind off of things right now. And I feel so alone. Everybody has someone, it seems. A best friend, a boyfriend, a parent who would do anything for them. I feel so alone.

Like, I don’t even like any boys, really, I don’t even know anybody who I could even date or anything. Whenever I see two people holding hands or anything, or hugging, or giggling, or flirting, I get so angry and jealous. I don’t even like anyone, I don’t even have anybody to think about dating! I just feel so alone. I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t. Sorry again for the language, but fuck this. I’m so upset.

Love Quadrilateral

I am in the middle of like… a love quadrilateral or something. Except I’m not in love, I just have a puppy love crush on this boy. Okay, let me explain this. This boy, who we’ll call Nick, likes this girl who is a bitch, and we’ll call her Emma. Now Emma flirts shamelessly with Nick, and leads him on, even though she doesn’t like him. Which is so rude. He’s such a nice guy and she’s basically just setting him up to be heartbroken. Well a couple people, myself included, really dislike Emma. One girl in particular who dislikes her, we’ll call her Amanda, may have a crush on Nick, who used to have a crush on her but now has a crush on Emma, or is just flirting with Emma to make her classless skank self happy. And me? I have a crush on Nick, hate Emma, and am slowly becoming friends with Amanda. And I don’t even know what to do. I shouldn’t even like Nick, I don’t know why I like him! But recently my friend, who we’ll call Lily, told me that she doesn’t think Nick likes Emma, but that Nick is too nice to reject her, and that Emma probably just goes to Nick to feel better about herself and wanted because she knows that Nick will flirt back. It’s all so complicated. And I just want to slap Emma, slap that dumb smile off of her face, and her obnoxious giggle right out of her disgusting, scum of the earth self. She can just go, too. I just want to slap all of her out of my life.

I am so angry.

I am so angry that I don't even know what to do with myself. I really don't even know how someone could be so angry towards a person... I hate her. She's a bitch, she's awful, and she's flirting shamelessly with every boy she passes. But she especially flirts with one sweet boy who doesn't even realize that she's just leading him on! Why the hell is she such a bitch?!!!!?!!! Some people just aren't good people! And she's one of them! I can't stand her. I just want to slap her. I feel bad for the boy! Ugh..... this sucks so freaking much.

I need a change.

I don’t think that anybody realizes how hard it is to do the announcements in the morning when all you want to do is say, “Hey, this isn’t really a good morning, and you probably don’t even want to stand up right now, so let’s just skip the announcements, and as a matter of fact, why don’t we just go home right now because who wants to be here anyway?” The answer is nobody. Nobody wants to be at school, bored to tears, or disgusted by all the skanks in the hallway. Just before I came into this classroom, I overheard this group of girls gushing about some guy they all wanted to hook up with. Pfft. Like those guys would even care about them anyway. Do girls seriously think that those guys they get with care about them at all? 98% of the time, the guy won’t really care for you. He just wants you for his own selfish desires. All of the faces that I pass in the halls at school, all of the stories going by me, I feel as if they are so different than my own. Like I’m a poem in a book of insults. Or like I’m a best-selling book in the middle of the bargain rack at Borders. I love to read. It’s like escaping into a whole different world. A world that is often more exciting than my own, a world of adventure, a world of fame and fortune and boys and road trips and summers that change lives, summers full of crazy experiences and young love. I really just want something big to happen, some huge change in my life that will take me by a wonderful surprise. I want excitement, and I want to be in love. I want, I want, I want. I want to have this… I don’t just want to want this forever. I can’t. I need a change in my life, I really need one.

Things I've Overheard At School

"He has herpes?!"
"She kissed his nose."
"I'm bringing two kegs."
"I'm gonna try to give him a hickey!"

I hate my school.
I'm disgusted by the majority of the people in my school.
A lot of them suck.
Most of them suck.
They're gross, repulsive, and most of the girls are sluts.
Most of the guys are manwhores.
I hate my school.

Today is a what-the-hell day.

Today is a what-the-hell day. I woke up this morning and was like, what the hell. I was late for school, but what the hell. And there’s a trip that I want to go on with my church, but it’s $100 and my parents don’t want to pay for it right now because they just had to buy a new heater, but I mean, what the hell. I’m going. My mom got all pissy because I kept telling her that yes, I was going, and that I wouldn’t let the money get in my way. She left my room in a fit, so I sent her a text on her cell saying that I was going. She didn’t think that was very funny, but I thought it was hilarity at it’s finest. Then when I was leaving to go to school the car door was frozen shut and wouldn’t open. When it finally did, I was like, oh come on, what the hell was the point of that? And then I got here and I realized, shit, I forgot my glasses. So I called my mom in Mr. Campbell’s room on the phone that makes you dial 9 for an outside number, and I was standing in the doorway talking to her. And let me tell you, there are some interesting people in this school. I must have been thinking, what the hell, over and over because some people in this school our just plain interesting. Not in the best way, either. And now I’m sitting here… and I’m still like what the hell. This day is just so weird, and I don’t know if you even get what I mean, but I don’t really care if you do, anyway. Point is, today is stupid and weird. It’s like I woke up today and saw things for how weird they are, and how ridiculous everything is. We as people do some freaky shit, okay? And it’s kind of sad just how realistic the teenage movies are getting. We’ve got the stereotypes down pat in this school: the drunk sluts, or as I like to call them, the drinking brigade, the artists, the nice people who make you smile, the people who scare you, the sporty people who are either really nice or really gross, the disgusting couples who act like they’re cute but really make you want to puke, and also the people who like to think they’re tough and enjoy beating up other people. Which reminds me of last year, when a really mean chick almost punched me in the face, but I’ll discuss that more later.

People.

People bother me very often, for so many reasons. Some people don't move in the hallways. Some people are constantly rude to everyone. Some people make stupid decisions. Some people pretend to be something they're not. I mean, why? I don't understand it.
I had the worst Valentine's Day ever this year. And I mean, it was BAD. One of my friends was heartbroken, and seeing his pain broke my heart, and another one of my friends found a guy she liked who isn't even a nice guy, and another one of my friends has a relative in the hospital... it's all just a mess. Life. For me, my gosh, I don't even want to go into it! But let's just say there were some arguments and there were tears and it was just, you know, dreadful. And it seems as though everyone and their sibling is in love. Except me, I'm just kind of walking around with nobody to think about. Okay, yeah, I just said something about that guy Paul in my other post, but in reality, I don't even think I like him all that much. And it's just occurred to me that people actually read my blog, including strangers, but I got a blog so I would have somewhere to vent and so that's what I'm going to do, whether people read it or not. I've already said this in my first post; these are my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings, and if anybody else reads it, well, that's their choice. But class is about to end and I should probably pack up. And shit, I have to do homework that's do today.

I wrote this in Creative Writing today.

Just thought I'd share it.

Cellar Door

It seems to me that cellar doors come in many different forms. They can be people who get in your way of things, whether it’s a bitch at school, a bad parent, or even a loved one who has problems that interfere with your own life, especially if you live in the same household. Cellar doors always have one thing in common, though: they’re ominous, haunting, and are made of a hard, cold steel. Some of us will sit through our whole lives waiting for it to open. Some of us will bang upon it, bruising and bloodying our fists until they’re beat and broken. Others will simply find a way to live happily in the cellar they’ve been put into in life, and will ignore the fact that there is more outside waiting for them. Others will find holes in the ground, and will dig themselves up through the ground to get to where they want to be, but will find themselves scarred and marred in the end, realizing they lost too much along the way. But then there are the few in life who are strong enough to open the cellar door. Who make it budge a little bit, and then work and work at it until finally, with great relief, the door is opened and a beam of light shines through. This doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s truly a beautiful thing. It’d be nice if it happened more. Think for a second; how often do you refuse what you want to do for the sake of something or someone else that’s holding you back? Have you ever not shared a hobby with someone you admire because you feel that there are others much better? Those others who you think are better make up your cellar door. I guess we all have something, you know? We all have a struggle to go through, a door that won’t seep to open, a darkness that overwhelms and scares us so much. Think about it, we are all so scared of not getting out of the darkness in our lives. I know that I’m trying to find a way out from my cellar door. I’m trying to pull at the handle, and I’m gasping for air, because things definitely are not going as smoothly as I’d planned. But I’m trying. And I don’t plan on giving up the fight, or giving up on other things to get there. So I’m fighting, I’m trying, I’m determined, and I’m doing my best to get this cellar door open. Are you?

I'm always stuck in the middle of things.

I'm always in the middle of things. When my parents fight, they're always trying to get me on their side. One of my girl best friends and one of my guy best friends went out, had a nasty break-up, and now I'm in the middle of that. Oh and this guy likes one of my really good friends and now I'm in the middle of that too. Oh yeah and last night another guy friend asked me if I could help him out with another acquaintance of mine, too. What a mess.
Well, I'm done with the middle. I want to do something for me for once, for my life.
Being in the middle sucks. I always find myself breaking hearts that aren't even mine to break.

I tend to suck at life sometimes.

So last night I went to a superbowl party, right? Well there was this kid there. His name is Paul. And when he first came to the youth group I'm in, which is where the party was, I wasn't attracted to him at all. In fact, I'm friends with his sister. But last night he looked better than usual, and had even gotten a haircut, which looked really nice. He was embarrassed of the haircut... in fact...
It's very possible that we playfully wrestled and I tried to get his hat off, while he tried to keep it on. We were like all over each other, and ugh... I just got so mad because well, even though it felt like I liked him, I know I really don't.
I have this thing. It's called iwanttobeinlovesomuchsyndrome. IDK, I just want to experience teenage love so much. Bahhh. But the only person I like is Nick Jonas, who I don't even know. The thing is, I just want to like someone so much that I convince myself that I do like someone, but really, I don't. It's kind of sad. I just don't have anybody here to feel that way about, and I really want one. I don't know, but we were all over each other, flirting like crazy, it was... weird. I felt so angry at myself because it wasn't real and why can't it just be real? Why can't I experience a crush for real, not including my celebrity crush on Nick Jonas? Ugh. Well, this is a short school week, so that makes things a bit better. I'll hang out with my friends and stuff. And on Thursday I'll see Paul again... gahh!!!!!
This always happens to me. Now it's time to go to drama club and chase after Conrad Birdie in the play Bye Bye Birdie. Although he doesn't really mind the chasing, because he chases me back, along with every other girl in the play. And in the drama club there is this boy who's like in love with me... what the heck. I'm so confused. With life and boys and love and everything. :(

I got glasses!

I got glasses tonight and they're making my head hurt really badly because they're so damn strong. But they're awesome! I actually got two awesome pairs, so yay! But my mom and dad are fighting again, so I'm not really in the best of moods. They always fight, they're so childish. And it hurts a lot. They really don't even understand how upset I get. I don't know if their relationship will ever get better but what I do know is that I can't let that stop me from leading a happy and worthwhile life. I can't sulk. And you may be thinking, uhh, well everybody's parents fight, stop overreacting. But listen, you don't get it, I could very easily become really really sad and depressed if I let myself, because they always include me in their fights. But whatever.

Point being, I have glasses and I have a really dysfunctional family.
Syanara for now!

So, I have a blog.

I have a blog now. Woo-hoo!
I needed something to write everything into. And I don't care if anybody reads this, or if anybody even cares, but this is where I'm going to go to to express how my day went, what the hell I'm thinking about, and to talk about my dreams. I live in Pennsylvania, which is just a waste of a state, I guess. I don't know, some would argue with me, but I'm different. I want more than this simple suburban life that I'm living. But before I get into all of that, just let me tell you the basics first.
My name is Erin. I'm 15. My hair is dirty blonde, I'm 5 foot 7 inches, I weigh 130 pounds, but who the heck cares what I weigh or how tall I am? Doesn't make me who I am. But anyway, because you're probably wondering what I look like, I'll tell you. My eyes are blue/green/grey, and they have a ring of brown in the center. Oh, and we already discussed my hair color. What else, uhh... idk. I don't even know if I'm pretty. I think I am, I think I'm beautiful, but I don't know how others see me. And truth be told, I don't really care. That sets me apart from other teenagers already. I'm very different, I guess. Okay, I don't guess, I know. I'm mature and smart. And that makes me really different, because most of the people I know who are my age are dumb and immature. I don't have a favorite color, and I really don't do favorites on much, because I like a lot of different things for a lot of different reasons. I like a ton of different bands, so if you name one, I'll probably have heard of them and either like them or not. I love music. Let's make that clear.
My parents are together, and I have a brother and a sister, and a dog whom I love soooo much. But family comes later, because that's a novel all in itself. I have a good amount of friends, but I don't have a best friend. But whatever, it happens. I don't have a boyfriend either, but once again, that's a whole different story for a whole different day. I'm in class right now, and it's ending, so I'm going to go. But I'll update soon.

Erin